29- It's Not About Money, We Can Use Our Bodies!

The title: My goddaughter said this today. Absolutely hilarious. We're in the car and my best friend, Chrysanthemum* explains that we buy things on clearance, because it saves us money. Her daughter says,

"I don't care about the money! Money is not about life (instead of life is not about money). We can use our bodies and we can use our jewelry. We don't need money!"

Very touching, very hilarious.

Moving Right Along: A lot of my posts are religious in nature lately. I think I'm going through a certain number of transformations. I want my foundation (i.e. my spiritual standard) to be set first. Then I need to work on some inner things mentally, some outer things physically, some group things socially, top it off with a cherry.

So yes, here's another post about my spiritual journey and learning to just be alright.

I was babysitting yesterday and I needed to charge my phone. I unplugged something, but didn't know what at the time. Later on I needed the lamp, it wouldn't turn on, then I said "oooooh, I see". I went over to the other lamp, turned it on and what did I see, a book titled something to the extent of "God, Can't You Talk Louder". It was all about hearing God, personally.  Divine appointment? Yes.

You ever been reading a book so fast, it felt like you were eating it? That's how I felt. I was hungry for the message. I had to know what it sounds like when God talks. Because, yes, God does talk. And the Devil does try to trick you. The biggest thing I learned is you feel a great impression when it's something that God is telling you, almost like a pulling towards something. And the Devil will try to trick you by saying, "Did God really tell you that?"

 Oh, I've felt that so much recently.  Does God want me to go this way or that. I tried to fathom some other solutions to my life right now, but none of them created much of a pull for me. I'll come up with something and make a semi-plan, but then God is giving me snippets and solutions to what He really wants me to do. I just won't move. I feel led to sit still and keep doing what He telling me to do. I hope to stay patient and obedient. He's giving me all the pieces, but hasn't initiated anything quite yet. But I hear Him talking and I feel like He's promising me everything will be alright. Everything will come together. My human mind just can't see the "when". And that's not for me to see. But now I know for certain that He talks and I know I hear Him. For me, often times it's a feeling. A loud "shouting" inside my body. I was on the phone with a lady and I had to give her my present address. I started giving her Chrysanthemum's address, but God was yelling, "No, give her your grandma's address, it's easier, because there's no apt. number and all your other mail goes there". But I ignored it. How silly of me. But I know that's before I understood listening to Him and He usually helps out the ignorant, so I'm not worried. But now that I know, when I get that feeling, I know what to do...LISTEN! He also comes to me through estranged relatives. Weird, but true.

Success (for me) is walking with God and talking with God and living a worry-free life.




*All names have been changed for protection of people who don't want other people to know they're friends with me.

28- I Was Holding Back

The title: I just wrote a blog and I didn't clearly express my feelings, because I was holding back. So this is a second try.

Moving Right Along: I constantly worry about who I can trust. Who I can trust to tell my real feelings about things, my real thoughts and beliefs. It's hard, because I'm in a constant state of not trying to insult people. I don't know why. I used to not care. I think that lack of care isolated me. I would drop friends like dropping the "g" on "ing" endings. And it didn't bother me much. I felt that anyone that was worth having around would have to see the real me. And I still feel that way about seeing me. But I'm afraid to get angry. I'm afraid to call people out on their bull sometimes, because the confrontation doesn't feel worth it. But then I feel like poop later. I wanna talk about God freely to my friends, I wanna yell "Let me see the damn movie I want to see on my birthday!" at people, I wanna walk up to people and let them know when they're pissing me off and why, I wanna tell people when they're lying to themselves (because I see that and I hate it). But I can't, because I'm a total bum right now. I have to depend on people, so they can say and do whatever they want. What am I gonna do? Go to my imaginary apartment? Talk to my imaginary friends? Call my imaginary parents? No, I'm just gonna take it, lying down like a bum....*argh*

27- WellGuard, Guard Your Well....Well

The title: It's from 30 Rock, the best show ever. There was an advertisement mentioned about keeping children from falling in a well. Followed closely by SNL, Arrested Development, A Different World, Modern Family, and Boy Meets World. I believe those are my favorite comedies.

Moving Right Along: I find out about the decision on my job either tomorrow or Saturday, depending on the mail. I believe it will be what I want to hear, but even if it isn't, I know that it's for my good and everything will pan out. It just does.

I've been having a good time babysitting. Seeing the world through little kids eyes is interesting. It also gets kind of annoying, because they really do need so much attention. I watched kids try to make a fire with sticks, charcoal, and "berries". Those were not berries. They scrubbed crabapples on the ground to peel the skin off. I stopped them from eating them. I met a fourth grader with breasts. She was awfully annoying. I watched kids having trouble figuring out Candyland. That was just funny. I enjoy kids, but I also wanna throw them somewhere. Anywho...

I'm heading back to granny's house tomorrow. I know she really wants me there and I know it's where I should be. I overstayed my welcome at my current place and I completely understand. I don't wanna be at anyone's house really, that's why the decision on this job is so crucial. For me, and for the cat. I miss the cat. 

26- Didn't She Learn The First Time?

The title: I was watching a movie on TV with my grandma. I came in in the middle of it and this woman was getting beat up after trespassing on some property to interview a drug lord. I was like "gosh!" and then my grandma was like "didn't she learn the first time?" and I was like, "what, she got beat up before?" and my grandma was like "yeah, she was in the hospital". So then I was like..."oh, that sucks". And in the end she dies, but the world changes because of it. No, I can't tell you what movie it was, just watch UPN next week it'll probably be on again.

Moving Right Along: I visited my home church today. I haven't been there since I left for college. It was so cool to go back there. It was relatively how I'd left it. We still have the same pew, the same families sit around us. I wish I could've heard my pastor preach, but since he's gotten sick, he usually has guest preachers. So I learned about "Not being ashamed of the gospel", then the pastor took a sharp left and just started yelling and I couldn't pay attention anymore.
I'm not ashamed of the gospel, I just don't know how to relate it to people. People don't seem to really want to change. People don't seem to care about their souls. How can I get people to care about their souls? Moses had so much trouble trying to get the Israelites to stop complaining and follow him to what was going to be their new awesome home. It's basic human nature, people don't see what's good for them. They get set in their ways. There was a song or saying or something that just says "Try Jesus". But people don't really give him a chance do they? They say a prayer, once every 2 years or only when something is wrong and go to church on Christmas and then when that doesn't work they're like "well, I prayed and nothing happened", but they'll play the lottery everyday for a year, or place their beliefs in other random earthly things like a job or a lover and see that it's not working. Well what makes you rest your faith in them for so long? Is it because you can see them? I can't see God, but I don't need to. I can feel Him.
But that's not even what I wanted to talk about...even though I just spent two lengthy paragraphs on it...I think I wanted to talk about is time.
Time is a really weird thing to me. When you're having fun it's too short, when you're bored it's too long. Time heals all wounds. Time is a precious resource. I want to no longer worry about time. Sometimes I live life like I'm in a race, but I'm starting to question what I'm racing against. I have lots of time, I think. I don't feel like I'm dying anytime soon, so I should just enjoy life. Quality time with life.
Success: Even if you only live a short life, all that'll will matter is how you lived it. That's how you measure the success you achieved in your life. 

25- Members Only, Insert Your Sam's Club Card

The title: I went to Sam's club using my friends' card to get some gas. They are so very exclusive, just to save 3 cents a gallon. I also didn't know Sam's Club sold clothes, and who is Sam.

Moving Right Along: I'm watching The Graduate and I thought I could relate to Dustin Hoffman's character being afraid about life after college....but then he started getting seduced by an older lady and I realized I don't really relate anymore.

I made some money babysitting, which is really exciting, because I was about on my last dollar. The kids are pretty cool too.

I'm somewhat bummed out recently, because I've been kinda bored. I haven't gone out in a while and I do miss doing that. Gosh, I want some recreation, but right now it's just not looking possible. Being optimistic takes a lot of energy and I'm starting to get tired. Sigh. At least I've been working out more. If I have nothing much to do, I might as well get in shape.

Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum, something awesome has to happen soon, I'm going crazy.

24- Who Loves You? I do.

The title: I had a dream last night that I was with a friend dropping off her little boy at a childcare facility that keeps kids for extended stays. They lined the kids up and the caretakers yelled "Who loves you?" and they pointed to their parents and the parents said, "I do", and then vice versa. It was cute. I wonder do people do that somewhere. I think it would aide in separation anxiety.

Moving Right Along: I don't like to think about "love" very much in the boy/girl way, because it's always a really complicated thing and I don't understand it, but I had a really big revelation yesterday. I don't want to be in a relationship anytime soon, because I want to grow the love I have with God. I think when I'm in a relationship, I put a lot of pressure on the relationship to provide the happiness I need in my life. But if I can't be happy independently, how can I be happy with someone else. I've had this thought internally, but I never seen it as clear as I do now.

I honestly believe in a soul mate, and I think that if I met him now, he'd run. LOL. No seriously, he'd run, because I'm not ready. I'd be some big mess trying to figure out a career and life plan and my daily existence. With that said, I also don't want to date a guy that is a big mess. If I've got my stuff together he should too. I used to have this elaborate list of what type of guy I would date, but I came to a conclusion that a few core things that connect two people is all that's truly essential, well that plus mutual attraction of course. So my list is simply four things: Christian, Good Communicator, Creative, and Patient/Strong Personality. All these things compliment my personality in some way.

Christian, because if we believe the same thing at our very core, we can never be divided. We would always understand what we're working towards and the bigger picture of life.
Good communicator, because I'm not good at hints and I need people to make things plain for me all the time.
Creative, because it's both a part of my career plan and how I think in general. Plus I don't like to be bored.
Patient/Strong Personality ( I know that sounds like two, but they make sense, I swear), because I'm a bit difficult to deal with at times which takes patience, and if a guy has some sort of backbone, he can handle my sometimes aggressive joking and Leo personality.

I once met this couple that were so awesome. They spoke to each other with such sweetness and respect, it was mind-blowing, because that's not as common as it should be. They supported each other's goals and weren't lame boring people either. I think that's something I aim for in the future.

So, I'm putting this list in my back pocket until I'm like 25, my set age to start really dating. Until I'm stronger and right-minded. And that's all I have to say about that... giggity.

23- Honeydew, Sweet As Starlight?

The title: My goddaughter has become an impressive pianist. She has a song called honeydew she plays. I listened to the professional recording of it and this grown woman just blows the song out of the water, like it's a singing competition of little kid songs or something. It's pretty weird.

Moving Right Along: To reach your full potential in life you have to suffer. Okay, I said it. I admit it. It's true. But I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I don't mind life teaching me a lesson, until I get to the point where I can't take it anymore. I reached a breaking point yesterday, but I don't know why. There was nothing particularly different about yesterday that I haven't seen and experienced every other day this past month and half. I guess I just reached a point where I was tired of waiting. But waiting teaches patience. And I know the world would be better if we all had a little more patience. I just feel kind of like I'm in a cave etching tally marks into the wall until I get rescued. OMG, that's exactly what I'm doing. But I am learning a lot while I'm in this cave.

I've learned, this cave doesn't have to be dark.
When you're learning something about life and you're in a rut, you can knock a window into your cave.
I've learned the value of reading and self-reflection.
I learned that learning didn't end with college and that I've gained the skills set to teach myself new things.
I've learned family is really important, but you don't have to put up with them to love them.
I've learned that as a writer, I should always be writing.
As a budding funny person, I should always be practicing my impersonations.
I've learned what kind of relationships I want and don't want.
I've learned to actively pursue my relationship with God, always.

This rut is a good rut. I am now ready to get out of this rut, but it may not be entirely my decision.

22- Do You Know What 12 Plus 100 Is?

The Title: Little kids like to quiz adults in math a lot. A little boy at the sushi restaurant further proved this to us today. He was an adorable little boy, who is (holds up four fingers) this many years old.

Moving Right Along: Today (now yesterday) was my birthday. It was as it always is, a day. I don't get excited about holidays or any other day that people hold importance to. I do think, however, that it's a great chance for me to set new goals. I have some writing goals, some character goals, and some impersonation goals. I had some personal goals, but I can't multi-task with my goals, so they have to hold. Is that a silly thought? Answer-yes. I ate way too much cookie dough today, which symbolizes a good day.  I also realized the following interesting, yet possibly sad things:

1. I'm not as attached to my parents as I used to be. I don't know if this is because I'm growing up, or if I'm finally realizing that they are people. Real people with issues and not as super hero as they once were. Trying to continually reach out to them and communicate with them is pointless, so I'm giving up on that.

2. I'm an island. I've always enjoyed being alone, but now I'm starting to really see how important it is to me. I find that depending on others is very difficult and I want to be in a position again where I can just be alone. (Gosh, I hate how sad that sounds, but right now it feels really truthful.)

3. I hate the world's preoccupation with sex. I hate it, hate it, hate it! I can't seem to get away from it lately. Everything seems so corrupt. And for some reason this particular thing is getting on my nerves so much.

Yep, I've just written the shittiest blog post a person can write on their birthday, but it appears that I have more dark thoughts on this day than light ones. But regardless, I'm happy to be alive and thankful.

21 - "Weeeee Weeee...Oh, Thanks Mrs. H."

The title: It's from some car insurance commercial...I think Geico. The piglet is holding little wind ornaments out the window and yelling "weeee" much to the mother's annoyance. Anyway, my grandma and I kept saying it today as we drove in downtown Detroit, meandering our way through one way streets. It was a fun noise to make.

Moving Right Along: How can people think God doesn't exist? How can people not acknowledge His greatness? Honestly. I try to understand this, as I see people struggle and fight their way through life. I wish I could open people's heads and pour in the things I've seen God do and the way I've seen lives change, especially when you're living your life for Him.

Today I went to a NACA (Neighborhood Assistance Corporation of America) tour and I saw God move many times, for many families. The group travels the country and through their "Home Save" program they help struggling families lower mortgage rates to affordable payments for the duration of their loans. I saw people come out with settlements and lower rates and one lady who's bank just said, you owe nothing! And yes, a lot of these people were God-fearing people. The lady next to us prayed and the couple in front of us touched hands in agreement for the blessings we knew God was going to give us. And though my grandma didn't get her info today, we are still faithful and know that God has seen our dedication to Him and to His cause. My grandma raised six kids (well she's still raising the youngest one), in her house. She worked and lives a Christian life and is faithful to her church and family. I surely don't believe God ignores those things.

Still don't see why God is good? Inhale. Exhale. Boom, you can breathe, you're alive. God is good!

20- Your Cat Is Possessed By the Devil

The Title: People seem to think my cat Bloom is evil. But really he's just a sweetheart with a tough outer shell. He'll be better one day. I'm sure of it. Despite this, I lurrrve him. :)

Moving Right Along: Today I feel the need to blog just to mark some important happenings. Number one, my first bee sting. I got stung in the eyelid, by a bee today. It was funny....after all the pain and swelling went down of course. Tee hee.

Second, I wrote down what classes I'd like to take in the Second City training program. I want to take a total of 22 classes, but will settle for 14 if that's all income permits. I picked classes that are required for me to study in the Conservatory and also one's that I really think will shape my particular skill set and add on to it. I know I'll be able to take the 22, because I'm dedicated to making money and making moves. Which brings me to the next topic...

Making money! I've been reading about young women who took control of their finances and made things work for them. (The Smart Cookies' "Guide to Making More Dough") They created the life they wanted, by figuring out what money they needed, what things they needed, and what things really were important to them, versus those that were frivolous. It's been inspiring. I don't have an income currently, but I feel like preparing mentally, before the money comes, is a great way to get myself on track to my new life. I'm also becoming a Mary Kay consultant. It's a great way to make money and build business skills. My dad's girlfriend, my FSM (future stepmom), as I call her, says she might help me get my starter kit, which would be great. After all, it's a great investment (an investment in me...tee hee). I've also rented the book "Investing Online" for Dummies. I have plans to make money work for me and get the most out of life. I'm gonna think smart and make moves.

Anwho, I'm just reading and growing my brain until I can work and grow my pockets....yep!

19- She Pees In Trees

The Title: My goddaughter's friend pees in trees in the neighborhood, because apparently it's closer than her house. My advice to my goddaughter is to get better friends.

Moving Right Along: I have a void right now. It's not like one of those "I'm looking for something things", it's like a weird habit that I have is now missing. I'll explain. About four days a week, I dance around my room to music. Like really hardcore, loud music, dancing 'til I sweat. Not having my own place prevents me from doing that. If someone came in there house and saw me doing this, they'd be like "um...ok". And it's not something I thought I'd miss. But apparently I do. I look forward to being able to do this again...I wonder do other people do this....

18- Don't Sleep Too Long, You Have to Feed Me

The title: I'm watching my goddaughter today for an hour and she gave me the directions not to over sleep during my nap, as I must feed her when she comes in from playing. Well played Kayla, I'm up and you can enjoy your pizza lunchable.

Moving Right Along: I have no sense of time or days, since I don't have any real obligations. My birthday is next week and I swear I didn't even realize it until I looked at a calendar today. I'm trying to get a few hours working for my uncle at his detailing shop. I tried to pick up some babysitting hours, but with no luck. So I'm not making any income, but I was blessed with the money to fix my car, by my mom and a little extra to cover my cellphone bill. I'm getting the things I need and ignoring things that aren't necessary right now. It's important to show God that you're thankful for what you have. And for the non-religious, it's still important to realize you're thankful, because there might be a day when you don't have these things that you currently have. Being happy now is preparing me to be happy in any situation.

But I know some great things are going to happen. It's important to speak into existence the positive things you want to see. I honestly believe I'm going to have my ideal current life in the near future. I'll have my own place, starting at a great job. I know the apartment. It's a studio apartment with a bay window and wooden floors. I already have the furniture ideas in my mind. I'll start with the futon, but after saving up, I'll get a lofted bed bolted to the ceiling like a tree house. I'll be working at a job that affords me the opportunity to pay for my comedy classes, pay on student loans and learn about non-profits. I'll find a new church and become active and I'll finally straighten out my cat's ill-tempered behavior. These are the things I want. I've spoken into the world, planted that first seed, and now I'll watch it grow....******************************************************************

17- My AC Pump/ Don't Waste Your Time on A Bad Friend

The Title: Nothing clever today, just a bummed AC pump in my car, leaving me a little stranded.

Moving Right Along: I came out to Lansing for women's day at my church. I was so happy to see my church family. VOPDM is one place I really feel like I belong. It's a great community and I learn something new everytime I attend.

On my way there, however, my car started making this awful smell that I just knew was a big problem. In addition to this, I heard a scrapping sound that had actually been going on for a few days. After church I went to my "friend's" house, since I don't live out here and I wanted to see him. Well, my mechanic came out, told me it was a pricy repair, but since I'm unemployed and he's a good hearted person, he knocked 60 dollars off the price. I was elated. He told me he'd get the part first thing in the morning and I should be on my way by the afternoon.

So, I helped my "friend" study for his final, set for the next day. I made flashcards for him and went over terms for a bit, before we went to the movies. We had a great day.

The next didn't go as planned. My mechanic didn't go get the part until close to 4PM. Then the part was the wrong size. He then went back, and as I type it is 5:54 and I'm still in Lansing. Well, I assume it'll take a while to get this fixed and asked my "friend" if I could stay another night, because I can't see well in the dark. It's actually anxiety producing for me to drive on the freeway at night. He knows this, lots of people know this about me.

He seemed "aggrevated". He says "I had plans on going out tonight". Well, tonight is a Monday, but who knows, maybe he does have great plans. I'm hurt, but first, I think you need to know why.

This friend is an -ex.
This friend lives in a 4 bedroom house.
This friend doesn't work, or NEED for anything.
I've always been there for this "friend".
Helped this friend with homework.
Taught this friend to edit and shoot things, because he studies the same things as me.
Included this friend on shoots, even though he was more a hindrance than a help, simply because he wanted to gain more experience.
Encouraged this friend to get an internship.
Supported this friend's dreams.
Encouraged this friend to get an associates degree.
Cooked for this friend.
Taught this friend how to cook.
Went to every event this friend's other friends or family threw, even when I didn't want to.
Defended this friend, until I couldn't take it anymore and sought to never speak to this friend again.
Forgave this friend.
And got hurt by this friend, yet again.

What has this "friend" done for me?
Told me I couldn't stay at his house when I was trying to work and save money to move away.
Told me he regrets dating me.
Stole the credit for a video we shot together.
Told me I couldn't stay with him after my lease was up, so I could work and save money.
Wouldn't come to my graduation party, though he knew weeks in advance and was personally invited by my grandmother.
Rubbed it in my face that he had to help me move my stuff back to Detroit and that I could've never done it without him.
And finally, wouldn't let me stay ONE night, knowing I can't drive in the dark and that I need this repair to get home.

This may be petty. But it hurts that I give to this friend and he takes, but doesn't know how to give back. He knows my dreams and ambitions, but doesn't care to help me with them, like I do his.