53: God: In the Practical Sense

Title: He's not a mythical creature, he's actually here to help.

I went to church this morning with a mission in mind. I wanted to first thank God for all He's brought me through this week, for the strength He's given me when I felt less than adequate, and for giving me the right mind to follow Him. Then I needed to pray forgiveness, because we all fall short of the glory. Praise Him of course. But then finally, I had some requests. They weren't my usual "Oh God, help me get money so I'll be less stressed" prayers. It was more of the "build me up", "fix me", "help me in my everyday life" kind of prayers.


See the nice thing about church is it's a safe place. A happy place, where there are like-minded people and for those two or three hours a week, I feel like I'm at total peace. But once I step out that door, I know it's back to the battlefield. That's why I'm glad I serve a God that is practical. I prayed for things that would help me make better decisions to act more Christian-like. I prayed to stay in His will. And these are challenging things. But church is not just a show. It's a hospital, a school, a family, all wrapped into one. And that, my friends, is awesome.

52: Perishable Goods

Title: It's about what's neither here, nor there.

I get pretty stressed out trying to fix problems and be proactive in my life. I know that I'm supposed to let God lead, but lately I've realized I do this backwards thing where I get an idea, believe it's the right one without praying on it. Act on this emotion and then come to God, confused when the outcome is crazy obscure.
Well, I've realized two things: This world is perishable, so why stress. And prayer is super easy and free, so take advantage of it.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Cor. 4:18)
Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. (Col 3:2)

When I think about all the things I can't fix and all the things I hold dear to my heart I get frustrated. I get so hung up trying to make my life better. But I realize if I put my efforts in my relationship with God, more things would fall in line.

I also realize how fulfilling prayer is. It feeds your soul. One complaint that people have expressed with me when they pray is "I can't hear God".  Well, I think it's because as humans, we are looking for God to be a direct voice, possibly something deep and raspy giving us very specific answers. Or maybe we just want an email? Well, God answers us in all sorts of ways.


I was particularly worried about a situation last night and I began to pace the room, cleaning frantically to ease my mind. There was a song playing on my computer that I'd never heard. (It wasn't religious music, either) I wasn't paying attention to it, at all. But then all of a sudden, my ears honed in on the lyrics "...this will all blow over". I didn't hear any other lyrics after that. As my mind was cycling through its thoughts, I remembered hearing those words and quickly went over to press "like" on the song.

It was the answer to my prayer, through a random media. Has the problem "blown over"? No, not yet. God works in His time. Will it be over in a day, a week, a month, years? I can't tell you. But the only thing to do after God has given you an answer is to accept it, with all faith. And then, set your sights above. "Build your hopes on things eternal", not your problems in this life.

Also, prayer is super easy to do, because you can do it in your head. You become connected to God as you talk about everything. No matter how big or small. And for those that don't know if they truly believe, or are on the fence, pray anyway. Pray exactly what you think. "God, I don't really know what I believe or how I feel about accepting you or knowing you. Help make you appear more real to me. Help me to accept you as a being, even when the world gives me conflicting answers about religion".

God is hear to help, so let him. I know I need His help, everyday! Right now! Amen!

51: There Must Be A Reason, Right?

The Title: We are all a certain way for a reason; created with different talents and having gone through different life events to help people.

There are certain things I don't like about myself that I can't help. Having a mood disorder is one of those things. I get so upset with the fact that I didn't do anything to get this, yet I have it and have to work through it for the rest of my life. I always asked God, "Why did you let me have this? It hinders me, it makes me feel different in a bad way, it makes me really sad about myself". I always saw it as a weakness, and yes, some people do try to hold it against me and use it as ammo to hurt me. But what I've realized is God also equipped me with a certain skill set to cope. And when I'm coping, I can think clear enough to see how I can help others get through this same issue or ones similar to it, because I had to fight this battle.

Sometimes you're going through something and you don't understand, but then you come out of it and realize, God was simply setting up the stage to use you to get the glory for His kingdom. You and someone else can have a completely different life, but end up having a similar mission from God. This is super apparent when it comes to Paul. Paul says,  "they saw that God had given me the responsibility of preaching the gospel to the Gentiles, just as he had given Peter the responsibility of preaching to the Jews. For the same God who worked through Peter as the apostle to the Jews also worked through me as the apostle to the Gentiles." (Gal. 2: 7&8) God had a mission for Paul, God had a mission for Peter. He took their different life experiences and gave them the task of preaching to specific groups. Now, let's apply that to our lives.


So I have a mood disorder. God didn't plague me with a problem. He blessed me with an opportunity to reach out to people with depression or to provide support for people with family members dealing with bipolar disorder or to help others except themselves a little better than they have in the past. It's really all in your thinking. We weren't haphazardly created. God has a reason for every detail of our creation. 

50: Excuses, Excuses

(This is the 50th post of janigan.blogspot.com's "It's Not So Krystal Clear". If you like what you've been reading share with a friend. I'll keep writing, even if I only have an readership of 2 people. Doesn't matter :-)  )

The title: It's about all the excuses people make about why not to follow Jesus.

I found Jesus at a young age, and though I swayed from left to right while trying to get in line with Christ and made PLENTY of mistakes, I still always believed in Him and His power in our lives. When you believe and especially as strongly as I have, you get questioned a lot and people throw a lot of daggers at you. Sometimes you're told that you're flat out wrong and if you believe in something you can't see, you're crazy. Sometimes you'll have hard times in your life and when you do, people will ask "where is your God?" Well, I've seen people with pretty empty lives and I can't imagine that they are as happy on their best day as I am on my worst, because I have God and this is my comparison:

If you don't believe in a higher power you can get trapped in hard times, because you don't know how temporary this earth is.  "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" ( 2 Corinthians 4: 17, 18). Earth is gonna go away, let's face it. It's stated in the Bible a ton and if you follow science, things aren't looking so great. But let's say you don't believe in the apocalypse, you're still gotta die someday. Inevitable. When you're a Christian, you prepare for this, by aligning yourself with God. You know this life isn't the end all, so when you face hard times, you don't have to worry, you know you'll make it through and even if it sucks, who cares, there'll be heaven where things never suck.

The Unsaved (and I don't mean that disrespectfully) have a lot of pressure on their shoulders. Jesus carries my burdens. But first I have to hand them over to Him. Knowing this, when I actually do hand it over to Him in good faith, I know He will take care of it. But if you don't know Christ as your savior, you're stuck trying to figure things out.

Religion is too hard, too many rules. Math is too hard too, but if you wanna be a Chiropractor you work through it right? Same thing. All the rules God made are for our own benefit. No sex before marriage- so you don't have an accidental pregnancy with a guy that can run across the country and be hard to track. No drugs- you can die from that stuff. Love your neighbors - the world would be better if everyone loved. Go to church- If you wanna follow God, it's helpful to learn more about Him in a supportive environment. It's only like three hours long, people go to the bar for longer than that. Saying following God is too hard, is like saying " I don't have will power and I don't want any", because trust me, God will give you the power if you ask.

Christians have no fun. If I'm not fun, it's because I'm a boring person, not because I'm a Christian. It's just that your perception of fun changes. Some activities you can't do anymore, but you replace them with positive ones and if your heart's in the right place, you can accept that change.

Some Christians are not good people. This goes both ways. Some Christians aren't good people and some Non-Christians aren't either. You may encounter a Christian who has not grown in a certain area and so they treat you wrong. Don't base your whole judgment of a religion and a God, based on this. You wouldn't reject a house if one out of 280 shingles was outta place on the roof.

Some non-christians fail to see how much they're loved. I've seen people put up with a lot of crap they didn't have to put up with from people, because they didn't know how much they are loved by God. I'm thinking of this from a boyfriend-girlfriend perspective. Sometimes girls have terrible boyfriends and they keep going on with the hurt and disrespect, because they don't know the worth God has put on them or the fact that God has a prince waiting for them if they would wait for him.

I could literally go on with this list for sooooo long, but I feel like people would stop reading. If I was reading, I know I would. I'm a slow reader. But I hope I inspire people to stop bull pooping themselves. Living in sin gives you an emptiness. I remember waking up after doing something crazy and wanting to cry, because I didn't know what the point of my life was. I had no purpose and I was trying to please a body made of flesh that will one day rot. No alcohol, pot, or guy could make me as happy as God has and for that I'm extremely blessed and others can be too. We all can!

49: You Jesus Freak! (and other subsequently related things)

The title: It's about my seemingly ongoing fear of being labeled and my longing for fellowship....

Sometimes I wanna share the Good News of Jesus or just talk about my life from a spiritual standpoint. I find myself battling with the thought of "Am I talking about God too much?". In my mind, if you see something moving, you oughta testify. I'm sure others agree. But I don't have a ton of Christian friends. In some ways I've avoided Christians my own age, because I'd encounter a lot of judgement and being parented over instead of having a comfortable friendship. But I know that's not all people my age, I just didn't encounter the right people.

I don't try to force my friends to be Christians. I don't think that's right. Yes, I share the word with them, but I know that people come to God in many different ways and it's not solely my job to save my friends. Who knows, maybe someone will come along and they'll inspire them more than I could ever do. And if that does happen, I'd be overjoyed. I just try to show them that God is good by living my life right and hopefully they see Him moving on my behalf.

So about this Jesus Freak thing...
People that talk about God a lot are sometimes called Jesus Freaks. Some Christians have taken this and made it into a positive. I can see how it would be a positive, but I still find myself a few steps away from being not afraid to talk about God freely. And it sucks. I get so excited when I meet another Christian. It's like going to Japan, not knowing any Japanese words, tapping a guy on the corner and surprise, he's American.

When I went to look at an apartment today, the landlord was showing me around and we start talking about Halloween and how he doesn't take his kids trick-or-treating. There's a slight hesitation and then he asks me if I'd "accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior". And instantly, everything became super comfortable. I knew we could speak the same language. Don't get me wrong, I don't think all Christians are "good people" automatically. But you can tell a serious Christian from a person just using the title pretty easily, or at least you should be able to.  Similar story to the last, I bought my car from a Christian family. My pastor and pastor's wife from my old church went with me and it was like one giant Christian pow-wow right there in the parking lot.

So what am I ranting about? I guess I want to talk about God and not just on Sundays or in this blog...

48: You Can't Trick a Woman Whose Got God-Goggles...

The title: I got a special eyeglass prescription from God.

If you read my blog or know me, you know I wanna get married when I'm around 27 or 28. If you know anything about life, you know it never goes according to plan. So when I get invitations to go out on a date, sometimes I do. I rarely do, but lately I've felt friendlier, so I said "sure". But one thing I do differently now that I'm closer to God, is pray for His eyes to become my eyes on the date.

I straight up asked God, "If he's not the one, please don't let me waste my time and let it be easy to get rid of him" and on the positive aspect, "If he is the one, let me get to know him and see him clearly as the person he is."

Well, I went on that date and I saw with eyes soooo clear, he was not it. He claimed to be Christian, and probably is, but we weren't equally yoked. For all the Christian singles out there, you know how badly a mix match yoke can go. I'm at a point where my sole focus is God and my secondary one is getting together my career. With chasing God as my main goal, I feel like I can only date someone who's running that same direction, not "considering it a little" or "in questioning". And I don't judge those who are. We all have some issues at some point in our lives regarding religion and God. But it would be unwise for me to link on to someone going through that process.

So, these God-Goggles:

Ladies (and Gents), if you are a Christian in the dating scene, have your list of morals and values ready. You want someone who is not going to even think about asking you to bring yourself down. It's not being uppity, it's being the best you, you can be.

There are certain things I dislike. When I prayed, I think God helped me find out these things about this guy really upfront, by showing me he had traits I could not stand for.

1. You're not having sex with me, so why are you thinking about it?
In a very sexually active world, I have to be upfront with guys and let them know, that if it's sex you want, I'm sorry, I cannot provide. I don't get offended if a guy turns me down for that, either. I'd rather you turn me down and not try to "trick" me into bed. It's far more honorable to be upfront. Some Christians don't have a problem with premarital sex (I mean I didn't before either), but it is not in God's plan for us, so it's not in God's plan for me.

2. Over the top flattery.
I'm not dumb. I have a healthy self-esteem and a loving inner circle. When a guy starts spouting flattery that is over the top, it seems a bit cunning to me. He wants you to think you're the most amazing girl in the world and that ONLY he can see you for that. All those past guys were fools to pass up such a ...yadda yadda yadda. Let's be a real. A compliment is a compliment, but being manipulative is just plain wrong.

3. Too fast, too soon.
From all the Christian relationships and even secular relationships (that were successful) I've read about,  they all had a simple formula. You get to know each other first. How else do you even know if you wanna be around this person? There are lots of good and bad that come up OVER TIME. You can't possibly see a person for who they really are in a matter of a couple weeks or months. The first six months of a relationship are like a honeymoon state. You don't get into the meat of it until around 6 months to a year. So slow it down please. And once again, sometimes guys (only ones with bad intentions) are trying to speed ahead to make the girl feel like they can be comfortable to be around them. Oh, I feel so close to you...it's like we've known each other forever, here, do me. No thanks.

4. Making up chemistry that is not there!
You like who you like. Just because you're attracted to each other, doesn't mean you'll click. Here I am, sitting on a date with a guy that I'm not clicking with at all. He smells like cigarettes, he keeps putting his arm around me, and he likes the dirty jokes waaaay too much (I mean at least don't let the girl know you think the dirty jokes are that awesome). My posture is uninviting. Yet somehow he thinks this is the start of something great? No, he's shoving a square peg into a circle whole.

5. Manipulation using God.
God is great at bringing events, things, and people together when it's His plan and His time. He's also great at bringing together the right people. A guy told me "Maybe God brought me to you". Well...God didn't tell me that. Why would God be telling you that, but not telling me that...or are those your words and assumptions?

Okay, those are my red flags. If I see those, then I know this is not it. This is not worth being around. I'm not gonna sit and watch this fall apart. And then God graciously gives me an exit route.  Sometime, later in my dating experiences, I'll be able to say what some green flags are, but I can only write about what I experience, and I don't know those yet :)

47: Loving Others, One Giant Human Hug

The Title: Did you know it's commanded of us?

I'm on a mission to love others as God loves us. This is challenging. God's love is so pure and unforced. He just loves us. He sees the good in us and strives to help us run out the bad. But how can I see the good in people?

My first realization is to humble myself and realize I'm not perfect. This puts me on the same playing field as the others that I get so irritated with. Next, I must remember it is a commandment.


"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another"  John 13:34

It doesn't get much clearer than that. And I do truly want to love everyone, so I'm making this my next spiritual mission. I'm not sure how to measure my growth in this area, but it's still worth moving towards. 


I had a few incidents where I realized I just can't stand to be around some people. But I have to separate my disliking of their personality, from my love for that person. I don't have much development of this yet, but I will try. Starting with my list of people I can't stand to be around. It's tough times, but I'm gonna do it.

46- It's Incremental, But It's Something

The Title: It's about small small changes.

Moving Right Along: It's hard for me to really point out in what ways God has helped me grow or change. Not saying that He hasn't done this, just saying it's such a subtle process, it's often passed by in my mind. I recently encountered a situation (a good situation) and this is when I saw some change.

To be as vague and as specific as possible: If I met someone, I would immediately begin to wonder what kind of friendship would come of it. Should I trust this person, be around them, ignore them. If they made a promise and broke it, I'd be super effected by it. It was a mess.

I handle things differently, now that I am trusting God. I trust that every encounter I have has a purpose to it. No not everyone I meet is out to do me harm, not everyone I meet will end up being a lifelong friend, but I will learn something from them or teach them something. There's a reason God created these encounters, so I don't stress about them, I learn to enjoy them for what they are.

This is something small that I don't even know how it happened. But I learned that I am trusting God. I've learned that He won't lead me astray. And the hardest thing ever, that I'm still working on everyday, it learning to love people. This is my next journey, join me :)

45- Cookie Cutter, Cake, Christians

The title: I never wanted to call my blog a Christian blog, but finally I've realized the reasons I'd been avoiding this were silly. I wanted to avoid judgment and being shaped into a gingerbread girl.

Moving Right Along: What is a gingerbread girl? In my mind it's the little box you get put into when you admit that you are a devout Christian. People begin to think you have to act a certain way. In some ways that is right. You should be filled with love, kindness, graciousness, all the things that Jesus was. But what people and even Christians sometimes fail to realize is you aren't immediately transformed into this "perfect" person. In fact, I wish it was that easy. So for the sake of keeping myself out of the watchful eyes of others I pawned myself off as a Jesus-enthusiast, but not really a Christian Woman. Sometimes saying you're a Christian can have a negative spin to it, because there are "Christians" who call themselves Christians, but don't exhibit a single characteristic of Christ and aren't living to please him. So people wanna test you.

I heard two sermons in relatively close proximity of each other about "Not Being Ashamed of the Gospel". I was like, "No, duh, I'm not ashamed to belong to Christ". But when you hear something more than once, sometimes you start to look yourself over. I was reading my blogs and I realized I had not initially meant for my blog to be religious at all. It was originally all about me reaching success in life. But then God started working with me and helped me realize I needed success to reach the afterlife with Him. Then it became about balance. Realizing I live in this world and can have success in the areas I want, but ultimately I should be striving to be with Him too.

Sometimes I was afraid to write posts. But other times I felt like I had to write posts. One of the beautiful things of walking with Christ is sharing the joy that comes from it. It's also great to inspire people who never considered walking with God. It's tough, because as a Christian, your beliefs are tested on a regular basis. People want to trick you into showing your imperfections. But I constantly tell people, I'm not perfect, so in a way, I win (yes!)

So how do you avoid this cookie cutter/cake and ice cream/banana pudding (I think I'm just hungry) Christian character. First you have to acknowledge that it doesn't exist. You don't have to change your whole personality to be a Christian. I'm a comedy writer, so I'm a big jokester. I don't have to change into a super serious person that goes around yelling scriptures. That's not who God made me to be. I can reach people with God's message through being me and letting Him shine through me. So yes, this is a Christian-based blog!

44- My Dad Will Have To Buy A Cow

The title: Today after reading over my share of courtship stories, I decided to get my Dad involved with this whole shabang....read for further understanding.

Moving Right Along: I've been fascinated with courtship stories for a few months now. As I grow stronger in Christ, I realize that there are certain things I take more seriously. Staying in His will is a big one, living a righteous life, and finally making sure when I do things that are earthly (career, relationships, etc), they edify God and His glory. So I'm taking marriage more seriously than how it's often taken in this world. I know that God has a perfect mate for me and I must be patient, I also don't want to get married anytime soon so I've got lots of time to focus on my relationship with God and getting this bomb-diggity career going. But what about these courtship stories?

Well I read them on this site: http://ylcf.org/courtship-stories/three/.
I was really excited to come across them, because their aren't a whole lot of examples of Christian dating readily available. And I don't mean the frivolous dating we do nowadays, where you say "Okay, let's try this out with no direction in sight." I mean the ultimate goal of dating is to get to know each other and decide if this is your life partner. So this database was great.... but then I couldn't find anything that I could relate to. All the people were in these ideal fantasy Christian, two parent home, and generally home schooled fairy tale, that I just couldn't relate to....

So I called my Dad, because these stories always have an interception, where the man talks to the father about courting his daughter and then ultimately things go from there. I expressed to my Dad that he needs to help me in this process. I told him he should find me a suitor when I'm close to the age of 27. He then asks that since we're doing this the old-fashioned way, would he be required to give the guy's family a cow... No, he will not be required to do this...unless my future husband is from a village.

But still, I wanted to relate to these stories. I wanted to hear from a Christian Woman that was more like me! Why wasn't there a story written from someone like me?! Well, I clicked around and "boom" there it was. A wedding photographer who prayed, got into a relationship with a God-loving videographer, who fell in love, got married, and are having a baby. Here's a link to her blog: http://www.evangelinerenee.com/
It was important for me to find an example from someone like her, because:
She feels like a real person. She has a creative job that she loves. She married another creative person. She travels a lot for work, yet was still able to find love. It reaffirms my belief that there is no cookie-cutter Christian. I don't have to be the daughter of a pastor, or aspire to be a stay-at-home mom, or any of those crazy "7th Heaven"-esque stereotypes that people (and accidentally I) throw on Christians. I was created by a God who loves me and knows what I want and will match me with the right person.

...and my Dad won't even have to buy a cow...but a goat, maybe.

43- Unsettling Feelings

The title: I'm writing at 6 AM, because there's something bothering me so much, I can't even sleep. I guess you can say I'm having unsettling feelings.

Moving Right Along: I know that God forgives you for your sins, but I still find it hard to forgive myself. I had a particular sin that plagued me and I guess God taught me a lesson by humiliating me. Or maybe I did this to myself. Every time I think about it, I feel physically sick; my stomach hurts, I feel extremely angry, and I wanna just flee to anywhere. I know I have social anxiety problems, so there is a great chance that I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill, but I literally don't have the skills to rationalize this situation. All I feel is anger. How can people tease you behind your back. You don't bring up their short comings. Then they make snide comments and play with your mind about the situation. Sure it's nothing to them, but it's a big deal to you. I feel huge betrayal of myself and others. God forgives me. I don't forgive myself. And I feel a huge distrust of others. I wish I could let this go, but I think it's going to have a huge impact on my behavior for a while.

42- You're Hard to Think About

When I have a happy thought of you,
I quickly erase it.
Wipe it off with a thick towel woven out of anger.
You hurt me,
It's hard to say "I forgive you",
Though I know I should.
I don't understand you.
I feel like I never truly knew you.

I never believe in people being from different sides of the tracks.
We are not fiction,
We are flesh and blood.
You knew my story,
You touched my heart.
You knew my dreams,
You changed me,
At first for the good,
But then for the worst.

The pain I felt, I tried to laugh off.
It should be a joke.
You and I, we were a joke...
Right?
Had to be.
By mere appearance, we were laughable.
We were different.
But it didn't matter to me.
I focused on commonalities and fell into some illusion of love.

But I've learned that I fall too easily.
So now I have a heart that's stuck in some funhouse maze.
Running into mirrors,
Seeing itself.
Wanting revenge,
But knowing that's wrong.
Wanting to understand,
But knowing some things aren't understandable.
Mostly just wanting, to be able to forgive.

But how can you forgive someone that isn't sorry.
Someone who hurts and can't possibly fathom the power.
The power you had over my heart?
Too much power.
I lost you as a lover,
I detested you as a friend.
And now...you're hard to think about.
I don't want to think about you.
But I acknowledge in some ways I have to,
In order to heal a pain I've ignored and tried to bury.

41- Our Human Expectations of Other Humans

There's a bible verse (and I paraphrase) "When your mother and father forsake you, I will take you up". I learned this verse at a very young age, but I always felt it was very sad. Why would your parents forsake you? I found it very hard to believe that the people that brought you into this world would ever do you harm.

Have you ever been hurt by someone and it hits you hard like a surprising slap in the face? I've had times when I was so consumed in the title of a person  ("mother", "father", "best friend", "boyfriend"), that I lost the very essence of who they are- human. Just because someone holds an important title in your life, doesn't mean they will never hurt you. It can be intentional or unintentional. No one should ever be on a pedestal in your heart, except God. We open ourselves up for let down when we place these people there. I have two examples that helped me reach this point.

I've always had a weird relationship with my mother. One filled with love, but also strained with countless differences in life views. I am a very positive person, while she is...not, I guess. But every time she walks out of my life, I fall apart and every time she comes back, I run to her like a baby, totally forgetting the past hurts. Well, I always wonder why it hurts so much. Why do I open up this wound so frequently? I was given this answer: God is Love.  Yes, it's right for me to love my mother, God commands it. But it is wrong for me to put her on a pedestal  and expect her to be a certain "type" of mom. She will never be the moms I see on TV and there is nothing written that says she has to be. She just has to be herself and we just have to love each other. Which we do. So should I be surprised that she's not perfect? No. Though, it is rather frustrating. What creates this hurt inside of me, is expecting her to be someone she is not. I'm hurting myself, essentially.

The second one, I'm sure many women can relate to. At some point many of us have had a boyfriend that didn't fulfill what we wanted in a mate. We tried to mold him and shape him into what we wanted. After all, he is "the boyfriend", he is supposed to be: handsome, smart, caring.....oh but wait, is he really? Or is he just supposed to be himself? Every guy I've dated in my adult life (which is only like two guys...), I've always had an issue with their ideologies on life and approaches to things. I expected them to be some kinda way and when they didn't match up with that, I found myself sorely disappointed. There are two issues with this. One, if I wanted a guy that met my wishlist, I should've dated a guy that met my wishlist, not try to create one. And two, the title doesn't create the person. Example:

One of my -exes was not particularly compassionate about others in general. I grew up being taught to care about people and help people in whatever way I can. With this upbringing, I've always wanted to change the world. When I needed some help from him on a particular matter, he did not come through for me. It hurt so much. How could that be? He was my boyfriend, he was supposed to care about my feelings and needs. But I already knew, before dating him, that he was not a compassionate person. Making him my boyfriend did not instantly bleed my compassion onto him. I put him on a pedestal and for some reason was surprised when he didn't meet my expectations.

So what I'm saying in all this is, don't be surprised when people fail you, because there is a God that will surely never let you down. Also, it's great to surround yourself with people you know care about you, that are like-minded in values. They know how to be good friends and you are good back to them. But once you have this solid group of caring people around you, don't fall to pieces if they leave you, or hurt you, because they are only human. You'd be surprised who've you unintentionally hurt. Set your expectations appropriately. That is something I'm still learning. 

40- There's More Than One Way to Eat A Reese's

The title: There's more than one way to look at things. If you get stuck looking at things one way for too long, you might miss other avenues. Like getting the center of the Reese's out first and then eating the edge. I find that gives you a great chocolate to peanut butter ratio.

Moving Right Along: I have a person in my life that I love very much. I love her, but at times I don't like the things she does or how she treats me or others, but she is family. The thing about it is, she's in my life. I don't want her out of it, I just want to figure out how to deal. When I prayed about the situation (which I've done for years now), I always prayed that God would help her with her problems. I wanted Him to change her and help her. But this never seemed to change anything. I thought, surely if anyone is big enough to help her with her problems it's God.

Today, I expressed this feeling with my friend Robitussin*, when she pointed out a great thing. She suggested I pray to change myself to better deal with the person. A huge light bulb erupted from my head. What? Change me? That's...a great idea. Duh. I already knew that you can't change people, but for some reason I thought prayer would do that if your intentions were right and out of love. But how can you change someone if they don't want to change. Obviously the issues this person have, don't bother them. She doesn't care. (Even though I really wish she did). So my new focus is on, changing me. And in changing me, it will change the way I interact with her and things will at some point get better. 

39- Kick Fear in the Face!

I remember about four years ago, there was a long span of me just being afraid of everything. I would think things, but would never dare say them aloud for fear of judgement. I would want to try something new, but be scared that I would mess up, or embarrass myself. This fear ran pretty deep. I didn't even want to pursue the career that I always wanted, because I was too terrified. But luckily, I shook that fear. I wanted to blog about fear from both the spiritual side (for those who believe) and the non-spiritual side (for those who just wanna address it that way). Because nothing should ever have that much power over you, especially a silly emotion like fear.

Non-spiritual: If you invented tampons, but you were too shy to tell people about this product, because of embarrassment, you'd be pretty upset at how much money you missed out on. That's what fear creates, missed opportunities. The girl you never said 'hi' to is a date you missed out on that could've ended in a great friendship or a marriage. The job you never applied to because you didn't think you were "good enough" (fear of your own success), could've landed you a great career. So whenever you have that scared feeling, just do it anyway.

 Seriously, I do crazy stuff all the time, not because I'm a nut case (which is still questionable), but because I don't want to ever look back and say, "ah, I didn't even try". And at first these things rendered a lot of embarrassment. This is when I had to change the way I felt about embarrassment. No one can embarrass you if you don't allow them to. You have all the power, because it's all in your reaction. For instance, in the past if someone told me my feet were ashy I'd hide them in shame and count down the minutes 'til I could get home and throw on some lotion. But now, I just laugh and say what literally happened "Oh, I guess I forgot to grease my feet".

Yes, there are times when people are trying to embarrass you. They might even try to embarrass you in front of a crowd. I take the "Saying What I'm Thinking/ I Know What You're Doing" approach. My grandma's professor always makes people feel stupid if they have to ask a question or miss something she says. My grandma asked her a question and her professor replies in a loud voice, "I just said that, do you want me to write it on the board again?". Of course my grandma was embarrassed, that was the teacher's goal. I suggested to my grandma the approach I stated above. I would literally say "Are you trying to embarrass me? That wasn't very nice". It puts in the air that you know what they're trying, but they don't have the power over your emotions. It took me years to figure this out, as I was often teased as a child. (boo hoo. lol)

Spiritual: Fear is an attack on your talents and gifts from God. When you feel paralyzed by fear, it is literally the enemy holding you back, decreasing the happiness in your life. When I thought I'd never get on stage again, I was so unhappy. I felt a lump in my throat whenever I saw a play, because I knew that there was my passion in front of my face, but I couldn't do it. I was weakened by my fear. It started to take over. But now I am strong, and being on stage is the career path I've chosen. My assumption? The Devil knows I can excel and if he didn't try to stomp on me, I would succeed and give God the glory and that's not what he wants at all. For people that believe in God and His power, there is no such thing as fear. How can you have fear when you are backed by the most powerful being ever? So attack everything boldly and with God's help.

Why am I writing this article?

In college I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. This was a relief and a challenge all in one. It was a relief, because I finally understood why I was afraid of everything! I felt like I literally couldn't do a lot of social activities or everyday things. I was afraid I'd be embarrassed or die because of some unknown happening. But once I knew what was wrong with me, I knew I could overcome it. Doctors say you cannot cure anxiety disorders, only manage them. And it's true, there are still times when I'm just too scared to do something, but the difference between me then and now is I do it anyway. I know that things get easier with time.

So to randomly quote Incubus don't "let the fear take the wheel and steer". You control fear, not the other way around. Now go for it!

38-God's Will in God's Time. Cinnamelts!

The title: Cinnamelts are delicious. They are probably a ton of calories. Terribly sweet and a McDonald's delicacy. I ate one today. Boom!

Moving Right Along: God's will. It's something I struggled with for a long time, but now I see how easy it is to follow God's will. It requires a little letting go. I wasn't willing to do this at first. And even when I thought I'd let go, I still always had a pinky finger wrapped around some aspect of my life. For a long time God was telling me to stand still. It was hard to do nothing, but at some point I was stuck in a position where I didn't know what to do anyway, so I might as well obey.

Now, about three months after me grappling back and forth about what to do next in my life, I have direction and it's special, because it's God-guided direction. My best friend got me a job at Olive Garden. I'm pretty excited about it. I asked God for a job. One that wasn't too serious, as to deviate me from my true career wish, but one where I could also meet new people and gain new skills. This is what God chose for me. He chose something He knew I'd like. And that is awesome.

Then, to add a cherry on top of the sundae, I found a place where I can study improv. My whole original reason for wanting to go to Chicago was to study improv. Even though I still want to live in Chicago, I am perfectly fine with staying here, studying, and working until I receive my next instructions. And there is a reason to everything. I can assume there's a lot of growing left for me to do.

Right now I am just fortunate, because I've reconnected with friends. True Friends. When I was Lansing, I remember having days where I felt awfully lonely. I felt like I had no one who understood me (and I also had some naysayers). Through getting closer to God, I don't feel that loneliness anymore. And by moving back home and reconnecting with people I have always been able to count on, I'm equally satisfied. My cat is super happy too. He's never had this much attention and love in his whole life. Is that sad? Oh no, I'm a terrible pet parent!

So what's next? I often question this, because God hasn't said anything huge to me lately. Either that or I just can't hear Him at this moment. I had a huge section of my life that I don't know how to define. I guess it was the "Close-i-fication of God and I". It's not over though. We never stop working with God to become better people and win more souls. I guess now, I should find a new church home, since I'm staying here. Woot. woot.

37: My Love

My love is too determined to be thrown back in my face.
My steps too deliberate,
Strong-willed,
Purposeful.
My love is too complicated to understand.
Chapters long,
Stanzas high,
Volumes not yet completed.

My love might reveal it's weaknesses,
Then dare you to laugh at it,
Knowing you are even weaker than you appear.
Because my love is rude,
And unapologetic about the fact.

No one gets there.
Only standing around in the wade pool.
No one touches it.

And because my love knows it's worth,
It doesn't fret or bat an eye.
It waits,
Because one day, my love will consume another love.

-inspired by "For Colored Girls"

36- What? I Thought I Lived In America.

  When I was little I was terrified of jail, because of the small toilet that sits in the middle of the room where everyone can see you use the bathroom. My mother assured me, "don't worry about it, just obey the laws and you'll never go to jail". So I lived my life as an upright American citizen sure that I lived in a country that protected the good and taught the evil right from wrong.

  Yesterday, around 5 o'clock I heard on the news that they were still moving along with the execution on Troy Davis. I felt sick. I stayed away from the TV for the rest of the night. On facebook, someone posted that they Supreme Court would be making a decision, I felt a bit of relief. But finally at midnight as I lie in bed, I got an email to my phone from Change.org that confirmed it. Troy Davis had been killed. I'm pretty sure the whole country was taking a moment of silence. If not physically, they definitely were mentally.

  For a man, I never met, I felt deeply saddened. And for the country I've always had such pride about, I felt equally as sad. If we are for the people, by the people, why was it when so many of us lifted our voices and spoke out, it fell on deaf ears. It's as if the powers that be felt so powerful, they forgot who their bosses really are, US. The citizens.

 So what do I tell my future children? Certainly I can't tell them what my mother told me. Maybe I'll have to add, "never be in the wrong place at the wrong time", or "be extra careful, sweetie, you're a person of color". And if I were to have a little boy, well he just better stay in the house, because the odds are already against him. I hope that as Americans we can work to change the system now, before any other families have to suffer.

35- Something Relevant

The title: I just wanna write about something that's relevant to my life right now and couldn't think of a fancy title today. Boo-yah, mediocre!

Moving Right Along: I stopped writing in my blog, because I started addressing some things that were so out there and personal, there was no need to share. But then last night I came across a new revelation and I felt, "whoa, what if others are pondering this, I need to share". So here's an exert from my nighttime journal I keep for myself:

Philippians 3- The author speaks of how he once thought he had it all understood. He obeyed the laws, he was a Pharisee, he was born in Israel, he thought he knew everything about being with God. He didn’t really understand it though. And he pushes forward toward the goal of being with God in heaven as he has called us. He acknowledges He’s not perfect, but he is a long ways from where he was and constantly seeking God’s face.

·      I thought I understood too. If I went to church and read my bible, and prayed, and didn’t have sex, and didn’t curse, and didn’t drink too much, I would go to heaven. But that was just a bunch of rules. Yes, I need to do or not do these things, as they are what keep you from sinning and destroying your life, but more importantly God is who helps me keep my life in order. You [God] spare me, you teach, and guide me. Keeping rules aren’t what it’s all about. It’s about the personal relationship and wanting to be with You in heaven. And constantly seeking you. It’s a lifestyle. I can’t just seek you in times of need. I need your counsel always. I kept thinking I’d learned enough to just move on past this [after college] stand still, but now I’ve learned enough to know, that this stand still is for my good and no matter what I learn there’s always so much more learning to do.

So that's what I got from my reading. One more thing I learned was about the Blessings of Abraham that everyone always sings about. Here's what I gathered:

·      Blessings of Abraham- A few weeks ago, I was understanding the blessings of Abraham to mean that since we follow You [God], we can have what we want. Abraham did get a son [the one earthly thing he wanted], but it took many years and he got other more important things. I think the blessings of Abraham was actually the relationship He had with you. The ability to have such a close walk with you, because He obeyed you. And if I am obedient I too can have that same walk with you, which is a blessing. 

So, yeah, these things are a bit personal for me, but they can also be helpful to others who may be questioning or whose faith is growing tired. I hope this helps someone.

34- You Ain't Nothing But Cheese Without The Corners

The title: You ain't nothing, but cheese without the corners, you ain't never gone be a slice. It comes from the Kevin Hart stand-up. It's really funny to me.

Moving Right Along: I had a great day today. Enjoyed church. Dinner was awesome. Worked out. I ate a salad today. I ate a lot of salad. Not because I feel fat, but because it was delicious! Anywho, I read an article today about FAITH. I'm putting it in all caps, because I felt like it. It pretty much summarized that "God tells you to do something and then you do that thing out of faith". It states that we as humans often get it wrong and go "We want something so we use our faith that God will give it to us". And then I analyzed how I've done that. I said "God I wanna study at Second City so I'm gonna move to Chicago can you help with that", and nothing has happened. In fact He's made it so difficult for me to do this, I'm almost starting to think it's not in His will for my life (or at least not at this time). And you know what? I don't care. I'm not happy, but I don't care either. I mean, God told me to be still. And I don't wanna be still, but I'm obeying. I also learned the other day that it's when you give up something you love, it's when God can bless you. This didn't make sense to me. But very little does right now. In the words of Steve Urkel "I'm wearin' you dowwwn" is essentially what God is doing to me. So here God, take my 30 Rock, SNL, and Upright Citizens Brigade time. I'm officially not watching any of those for two weeks. "Well, what will you watch?" The paint dry! First I gotta paint a dang wall.
     At first I had an extreme thought. I thought, what if God doesn't want me to do comedy. But then my life didn't make any sense. I can't even imagine having a family if I wasn't doing comedy. (That probably makes very little sense to others) But if I didn't have the career I wanted, I think I'd be too zombie-ish to date, so I'd never get married, thus leaving me childless. I can't even think of what other job I'd get! In fact, I think I'd just live at home for a really really long time if I didn't do comedy. Doing comedy is what motivates me to do anything really. All the shitty jobs I've had I always motivated myself to get outta bed by telling myself "You gotta do what you gotta do, to get where you wanna get", when customers pissed me off, I chanted this mantra in my head. When I was 9-years-old, I had a hit TV show in my head. Whenever I was bored, I'd think about it. It was hilarious (in a kid kinda way). So no, I wouldn't be able to function. And I'm really not good at other things. The only other non-manual labor job I'd be sorta good at is a secretary. But I mean, what?! I'd hang myself by age 35. So no, I think God totally wants me to do comedy. I just don't know what His plan is. And I'm so, "AHHHH" about the whole thing right now. So since I won't be watching any comedy, I will be working on my screenplay. Who knows, I might finish it. Because I'm an addict. If I don't have some kind of comedy in my life, I might become a republican. And that's no good for anyone!

33-You Let That Cat Eat Anything

The title: My lil uncle said this about me letting my grandma put gravy in Bloom's dry food. There really isn't anything wrong with that, it just added a lil flavor, he really liked it. At least I don't give him McDonald's anymore. He was in McNugget heaven at one point.

Moving Right Along: I have had the craziest emotional ride over the past two days. I was so down and discouraged yesterday, I started asking God some crazy questions, respectfully of course. I read an article about how we pretty much can't control our lives (partially true) so we might as well just trust God and take it all in stride. It seemed to be saying, life is full of suffering, and you can't have anything you want so get over it.

Okay, I totally understand that when you invite God to guide you, your life in no longer your own, but I don't believe God would want you to not have any hopes and dreams while on this earth. Yes, my ultimate goal ought to be to live a good Christ-driven life to one day be in heaven, but what about other goals. I'm still finding an answer to this, but I do understand that God will give you your hearts desires if they are not corrupt. It doesn't necessarily happen the way we may want it to or the way we expect it to, but He didn't give us these dreams and ambitions if He didn't want us to do something with them. (i.e, why would you feel soooo driven to be a doctor, teacher, or comedian if it wasn't instilled in you from God?)

I was a little angry with God, something I try never to be, but sometimes when you don't understand how He's working things in your life, it can really get to you, ya dig? So I went to sleep last night, angry, refusing to read my bible. I had this crazy dream. It was me and three other people. We were at the bottom of a rocket, where the actual fire comes out of the space shuttle. We weren't positioned where we could actually get burned, we were in a compartment that would feel the heat. As the shuttle started taking off we kept trying to jump so our feet wouldn't touch the hot floor, but every time we landed, we'd feel that horrible burning. We were all screaming. And of course I woke up.

What I gathered from that dream was, "You don't wanna go to hell, it's hot there and you can't escape the heat". That revelation scared me, but I told God, "I don't want to follow you out of fear, I want to follow you out of love".  With that, I continued on to be in depressed day #2. I tried to read my bible using my bible phone app, but nothing seemed to work. So I lied down to take yet another nap and I prayed that God would help me stop feeling like this. This is when God showed me His love. I woke up a different person. I acknowledged my blessings and saw something very particular in what He has taught me this week, which is....

I've always wanted to help people and be a philanthropist, but I always wanted to do it my way. Right now I'm picking up my cousins from school everyday, which is a task, 35 minutes there, 15 to their house, and then another 30 back home. I tried not to show it, but I was not pleased with this task. Mostly because it takes so long and the traffic is so heavy at that time. I was getting stress headaches. But when I was woke up from my nap, I realized God was giving me a chance to help people. It wasn't in the grand, save a starving country way, but it was helping family. And if I couldn't learn to help my own family and do it cheerfully, then I would never be able to help strangers. This life is about baby-steps.

32- My Son Plays In The Oven

The title: I watched Kevin Hart's second hour long special and he has a joke talking about his toddler getting in the oven. It was hilarious. He threatens the boy he'll turn it on and the kid says "Hot....hot" and shakes his head. He is lucky to have funny kids to get all this material from.

Moving Right Along: I should always look forward, but it's also beneficial to never forget what was ten paces behind me. Ten paces ago may have been hurtful, but it may have also had some joy in it too. I'm back at home at my granny's house and I realized what was missing before. Why I was so bummed out the last time I was here. My little uncle, Joseph*, wasn't here. Now that we're all here, it feels like home. I always want to move forward and forget about the past, but despite how painful some events were in the past, there were also some great people there. I love my family and if I would've just moved away, I wouldn't connect the feeling of actually missing them to my move. I'm not saying I want to be sad when I one day leave home, but I do want to remember that I have people that anchor me, both friends and family, that I can always call. My grandma remembers things I talked about when I was 15. I brought something up the other day and she says "Oh, yeah, I remember you being really upset about that in high school". I was shocked. I'm like, why would she store that in her memory, but it shows she was listening and she cares.

On another note, I think I'm finally beginning to understand faith. Like true, pray about it, set it and forget it, faith. I prayed about my mom the other day. I hadn't done it in a while, because somewhere in the back of my mind, I actually thought maybe some of my mom's life issues are too much. They can't be fixed. That is directly contradictory to my belief that God is almighty. So I said a prayer out of faith. Then yesterday I got some bad news about my mom, but I didn't worry. It wasn't even intentional. I didn't tell myself, "Don't worry". I just didn't feel the need to worry. I still believe God is going to help her and even if I can't see how, this bump in the road may be the actual catalyst to God helping her. He weaves these intricate plans that never seem to make sense to me, but they always lead somewhere wonderful. So I know my mom is on that journey.

*Ten points if you can guess Joseph's real name. 

31- Can I Get A Junior Cheeseburger?

The title: My best friend eats Wendy's, which is pretty lame. As bad a rep as McDonald's has gotten, let's face it, they still have the sweet tea and the better dessert menu. We went to McDonald's today and she tried to order and asked for a Junior Cheeseburger, which they don't sell. She caught herself and then asked for a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, finally she got it right- Double Cheeseburger. It was funny to watch. This all could've been prevented if she just READ the menu. LOL.

Moving Right Along: When I was 18 I proposed to myself. I thought I had a great relationship with myself, so it would work out. Little did I know my relationship with myself needed a lot of work. There would be several times that I would break my own heart. I tried it again when I was 20 and finally once again a few months ago at 22. I can proudly say that I now not only love myself, but treat myself in a way that reflects that love.

Some people think it's really weird to propose to yourself. My -ex hated that I wore that ring. I guess he thought others would think we were engaged, but the ring is in fact pretty cheap and on my right hand, not the left. Anyway, I realized I had to think of myself as being in a relationship, because when you think about it, you really are. You think to yourself, you battle pros and cons in your head, you have opinions of yourself. You can be proud of yourself or angry at yourself, just like you can any other person.

I like wearing my ring, because it reminds me of all the promises I've made for myself. All the goals I told myself I'd accomplish. I pretty much promise myself to always believe in myself and never abandon my true self. I say all this to invite people to have expectations of themselves. Have a clearly defined layout of what you have to do for yourself to provide yourself a good life. What crap would you be willing to take from yourself (and for that matter, others as well)?

Make a commitment to yourself.

30- See You At The Crossroads

The title: It's Bone Thugs n' Harmony...duh.

Moving Right Along:

I'm a piece of driftwood,
Dreaming of the coast.
Light,
Buoyant.
Hopeful.
I'm not particularly worried.
Though I'm curious about when I'll get there.

29- It's Not About Money, We Can Use Our Bodies!

The title: My goddaughter said this today. Absolutely hilarious. We're in the car and my best friend, Chrysanthemum* explains that we buy things on clearance, because it saves us money. Her daughter says,

"I don't care about the money! Money is not about life (instead of life is not about money). We can use our bodies and we can use our jewelry. We don't need money!"

Very touching, very hilarious.

Moving Right Along: A lot of my posts are religious in nature lately. I think I'm going through a certain number of transformations. I want my foundation (i.e. my spiritual standard) to be set first. Then I need to work on some inner things mentally, some outer things physically, some group things socially, top it off with a cherry.

So yes, here's another post about my spiritual journey and learning to just be alright.

I was babysitting yesterday and I needed to charge my phone. I unplugged something, but didn't know what at the time. Later on I needed the lamp, it wouldn't turn on, then I said "oooooh, I see". I went over to the other lamp, turned it on and what did I see, a book titled something to the extent of "God, Can't You Talk Louder". It was all about hearing God, personally.  Divine appointment? Yes.

You ever been reading a book so fast, it felt like you were eating it? That's how I felt. I was hungry for the message. I had to know what it sounds like when God talks. Because, yes, God does talk. And the Devil does try to trick you. The biggest thing I learned is you feel a great impression when it's something that God is telling you, almost like a pulling towards something. And the Devil will try to trick you by saying, "Did God really tell you that?"

 Oh, I've felt that so much recently.  Does God want me to go this way or that. I tried to fathom some other solutions to my life right now, but none of them created much of a pull for me. I'll come up with something and make a semi-plan, but then God is giving me snippets and solutions to what He really wants me to do. I just won't move. I feel led to sit still and keep doing what He telling me to do. I hope to stay patient and obedient. He's giving me all the pieces, but hasn't initiated anything quite yet. But I hear Him talking and I feel like He's promising me everything will be alright. Everything will come together. My human mind just can't see the "when". And that's not for me to see. But now I know for certain that He talks and I know I hear Him. For me, often times it's a feeling. A loud "shouting" inside my body. I was on the phone with a lady and I had to give her my present address. I started giving her Chrysanthemum's address, but God was yelling, "No, give her your grandma's address, it's easier, because there's no apt. number and all your other mail goes there". But I ignored it. How silly of me. But I know that's before I understood listening to Him and He usually helps out the ignorant, so I'm not worried. But now that I know, when I get that feeling, I know what to do...LISTEN! He also comes to me through estranged relatives. Weird, but true.

Success (for me) is walking with God and talking with God and living a worry-free life.




*All names have been changed for protection of people who don't want other people to know they're friends with me.

28- I Was Holding Back

The title: I just wrote a blog and I didn't clearly express my feelings, because I was holding back. So this is a second try.

Moving Right Along: I constantly worry about who I can trust. Who I can trust to tell my real feelings about things, my real thoughts and beliefs. It's hard, because I'm in a constant state of not trying to insult people. I don't know why. I used to not care. I think that lack of care isolated me. I would drop friends like dropping the "g" on "ing" endings. And it didn't bother me much. I felt that anyone that was worth having around would have to see the real me. And I still feel that way about seeing me. But I'm afraid to get angry. I'm afraid to call people out on their bull sometimes, because the confrontation doesn't feel worth it. But then I feel like poop later. I wanna talk about God freely to my friends, I wanna yell "Let me see the damn movie I want to see on my birthday!" at people, I wanna walk up to people and let them know when they're pissing me off and why, I wanna tell people when they're lying to themselves (because I see that and I hate it). But I can't, because I'm a total bum right now. I have to depend on people, so they can say and do whatever they want. What am I gonna do? Go to my imaginary apartment? Talk to my imaginary friends? Call my imaginary parents? No, I'm just gonna take it, lying down like a bum....*argh*

27- WellGuard, Guard Your Well....Well

The title: It's from 30 Rock, the best show ever. There was an advertisement mentioned about keeping children from falling in a well. Followed closely by SNL, Arrested Development, A Different World, Modern Family, and Boy Meets World. I believe those are my favorite comedies.

Moving Right Along: I find out about the decision on my job either tomorrow or Saturday, depending on the mail. I believe it will be what I want to hear, but even if it isn't, I know that it's for my good and everything will pan out. It just does.

I've been having a good time babysitting. Seeing the world through little kids eyes is interesting. It also gets kind of annoying, because they really do need so much attention. I watched kids try to make a fire with sticks, charcoal, and "berries". Those were not berries. They scrubbed crabapples on the ground to peel the skin off. I stopped them from eating them. I met a fourth grader with breasts. She was awfully annoying. I watched kids having trouble figuring out Candyland. That was just funny. I enjoy kids, but I also wanna throw them somewhere. Anywho...

I'm heading back to granny's house tomorrow. I know she really wants me there and I know it's where I should be. I overstayed my welcome at my current place and I completely understand. I don't wanna be at anyone's house really, that's why the decision on this job is so crucial. For me, and for the cat. I miss the cat. 

26- Didn't She Learn The First Time?

The title: I was watching a movie on TV with my grandma. I came in in the middle of it and this woman was getting beat up after trespassing on some property to interview a drug lord. I was like "gosh!" and then my grandma was like "didn't she learn the first time?" and I was like, "what, she got beat up before?" and my grandma was like "yeah, she was in the hospital". So then I was like..."oh, that sucks". And in the end she dies, but the world changes because of it. No, I can't tell you what movie it was, just watch UPN next week it'll probably be on again.

Moving Right Along: I visited my home church today. I haven't been there since I left for college. It was so cool to go back there. It was relatively how I'd left it. We still have the same pew, the same families sit around us. I wish I could've heard my pastor preach, but since he's gotten sick, he usually has guest preachers. So I learned about "Not being ashamed of the gospel", then the pastor took a sharp left and just started yelling and I couldn't pay attention anymore.
I'm not ashamed of the gospel, I just don't know how to relate it to people. People don't seem to really want to change. People don't seem to care about their souls. How can I get people to care about their souls? Moses had so much trouble trying to get the Israelites to stop complaining and follow him to what was going to be their new awesome home. It's basic human nature, people don't see what's good for them. They get set in their ways. There was a song or saying or something that just says "Try Jesus". But people don't really give him a chance do they? They say a prayer, once every 2 years or only when something is wrong and go to church on Christmas and then when that doesn't work they're like "well, I prayed and nothing happened", but they'll play the lottery everyday for a year, or place their beliefs in other random earthly things like a job or a lover and see that it's not working. Well what makes you rest your faith in them for so long? Is it because you can see them? I can't see God, but I don't need to. I can feel Him.
But that's not even what I wanted to talk about...even though I just spent two lengthy paragraphs on it...I think I wanted to talk about is time.
Time is a really weird thing to me. When you're having fun it's too short, when you're bored it's too long. Time heals all wounds. Time is a precious resource. I want to no longer worry about time. Sometimes I live life like I'm in a race, but I'm starting to question what I'm racing against. I have lots of time, I think. I don't feel like I'm dying anytime soon, so I should just enjoy life. Quality time with life.
Success: Even if you only live a short life, all that'll will matter is how you lived it. That's how you measure the success you achieved in your life. 

25- Members Only, Insert Your Sam's Club Card

The title: I went to Sam's club using my friends' card to get some gas. They are so very exclusive, just to save 3 cents a gallon. I also didn't know Sam's Club sold clothes, and who is Sam.

Moving Right Along: I'm watching The Graduate and I thought I could relate to Dustin Hoffman's character being afraid about life after college....but then he started getting seduced by an older lady and I realized I don't really relate anymore.

I made some money babysitting, which is really exciting, because I was about on my last dollar. The kids are pretty cool too.

I'm somewhat bummed out recently, because I've been kinda bored. I haven't gone out in a while and I do miss doing that. Gosh, I want some recreation, but right now it's just not looking possible. Being optimistic takes a lot of energy and I'm starting to get tired. Sigh. At least I've been working out more. If I have nothing much to do, I might as well get in shape.

Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum, something awesome has to happen soon, I'm going crazy.

24- Who Loves You? I do.

The title: I had a dream last night that I was with a friend dropping off her little boy at a childcare facility that keeps kids for extended stays. They lined the kids up and the caretakers yelled "Who loves you?" and they pointed to their parents and the parents said, "I do", and then vice versa. It was cute. I wonder do people do that somewhere. I think it would aide in separation anxiety.

Moving Right Along: I don't like to think about "love" very much in the boy/girl way, because it's always a really complicated thing and I don't understand it, but I had a really big revelation yesterday. I don't want to be in a relationship anytime soon, because I want to grow the love I have with God. I think when I'm in a relationship, I put a lot of pressure on the relationship to provide the happiness I need in my life. But if I can't be happy independently, how can I be happy with someone else. I've had this thought internally, but I never seen it as clear as I do now.

I honestly believe in a soul mate, and I think that if I met him now, he'd run. LOL. No seriously, he'd run, because I'm not ready. I'd be some big mess trying to figure out a career and life plan and my daily existence. With that said, I also don't want to date a guy that is a big mess. If I've got my stuff together he should too. I used to have this elaborate list of what type of guy I would date, but I came to a conclusion that a few core things that connect two people is all that's truly essential, well that plus mutual attraction of course. So my list is simply four things: Christian, Good Communicator, Creative, and Patient/Strong Personality. All these things compliment my personality in some way.

Christian, because if we believe the same thing at our very core, we can never be divided. We would always understand what we're working towards and the bigger picture of life.
Good communicator, because I'm not good at hints and I need people to make things plain for me all the time.
Creative, because it's both a part of my career plan and how I think in general. Plus I don't like to be bored.
Patient/Strong Personality ( I know that sounds like two, but they make sense, I swear), because I'm a bit difficult to deal with at times which takes patience, and if a guy has some sort of backbone, he can handle my sometimes aggressive joking and Leo personality.

I once met this couple that were so awesome. They spoke to each other with such sweetness and respect, it was mind-blowing, because that's not as common as it should be. They supported each other's goals and weren't lame boring people either. I think that's something I aim for in the future.

So, I'm putting this list in my back pocket until I'm like 25, my set age to start really dating. Until I'm stronger and right-minded. And that's all I have to say about that... giggity.

23- Honeydew, Sweet As Starlight?

The title: My goddaughter has become an impressive pianist. She has a song called honeydew she plays. I listened to the professional recording of it and this grown woman just blows the song out of the water, like it's a singing competition of little kid songs or something. It's pretty weird.

Moving Right Along: To reach your full potential in life you have to suffer. Okay, I said it. I admit it. It's true. But I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I don't mind life teaching me a lesson, until I get to the point where I can't take it anymore. I reached a breaking point yesterday, but I don't know why. There was nothing particularly different about yesterday that I haven't seen and experienced every other day this past month and half. I guess I just reached a point where I was tired of waiting. But waiting teaches patience. And I know the world would be better if we all had a little more patience. I just feel kind of like I'm in a cave etching tally marks into the wall until I get rescued. OMG, that's exactly what I'm doing. But I am learning a lot while I'm in this cave.

I've learned, this cave doesn't have to be dark.
When you're learning something about life and you're in a rut, you can knock a window into your cave.
I've learned the value of reading and self-reflection.
I learned that learning didn't end with college and that I've gained the skills set to teach myself new things.
I've learned family is really important, but you don't have to put up with them to love them.
I've learned that as a writer, I should always be writing.
As a budding funny person, I should always be practicing my impersonations.
I've learned what kind of relationships I want and don't want.
I've learned to actively pursue my relationship with God, always.

This rut is a good rut. I am now ready to get out of this rut, but it may not be entirely my decision.

22- Do You Know What 12 Plus 100 Is?

The Title: Little kids like to quiz adults in math a lot. A little boy at the sushi restaurant further proved this to us today. He was an adorable little boy, who is (holds up four fingers) this many years old.

Moving Right Along: Today (now yesterday) was my birthday. It was as it always is, a day. I don't get excited about holidays or any other day that people hold importance to. I do think, however, that it's a great chance for me to set new goals. I have some writing goals, some character goals, and some impersonation goals. I had some personal goals, but I can't multi-task with my goals, so they have to hold. Is that a silly thought? Answer-yes. I ate way too much cookie dough today, which symbolizes a good day.  I also realized the following interesting, yet possibly sad things:

1. I'm not as attached to my parents as I used to be. I don't know if this is because I'm growing up, or if I'm finally realizing that they are people. Real people with issues and not as super hero as they once were. Trying to continually reach out to them and communicate with them is pointless, so I'm giving up on that.

2. I'm an island. I've always enjoyed being alone, but now I'm starting to really see how important it is to me. I find that depending on others is very difficult and I want to be in a position again where I can just be alone. (Gosh, I hate how sad that sounds, but right now it feels really truthful.)

3. I hate the world's preoccupation with sex. I hate it, hate it, hate it! I can't seem to get away from it lately. Everything seems so corrupt. And for some reason this particular thing is getting on my nerves so much.

Yep, I've just written the shittiest blog post a person can write on their birthday, but it appears that I have more dark thoughts on this day than light ones. But regardless, I'm happy to be alive and thankful.

21 - "Weeeee Weeee...Oh, Thanks Mrs. H."

The title: It's from some car insurance commercial...I think Geico. The piglet is holding little wind ornaments out the window and yelling "weeee" much to the mother's annoyance. Anyway, my grandma and I kept saying it today as we drove in downtown Detroit, meandering our way through one way streets. It was a fun noise to make.

Moving Right Along: How can people think God doesn't exist? How can people not acknowledge His greatness? Honestly. I try to understand this, as I see people struggle and fight their way through life. I wish I could open people's heads and pour in the things I've seen God do and the way I've seen lives change, especially when you're living your life for Him.

Today I went to a NACA (Neighborhood Assistance Corporation of America) tour and I saw God move many times, for many families. The group travels the country and through their "Home Save" program they help struggling families lower mortgage rates to affordable payments for the duration of their loans. I saw people come out with settlements and lower rates and one lady who's bank just said, you owe nothing! And yes, a lot of these people were God-fearing people. The lady next to us prayed and the couple in front of us touched hands in agreement for the blessings we knew God was going to give us. And though my grandma didn't get her info today, we are still faithful and know that God has seen our dedication to Him and to His cause. My grandma raised six kids (well she's still raising the youngest one), in her house. She worked and lives a Christian life and is faithful to her church and family. I surely don't believe God ignores those things.

Still don't see why God is good? Inhale. Exhale. Boom, you can breathe, you're alive. God is good!

20- Your Cat Is Possessed By the Devil

The Title: People seem to think my cat Bloom is evil. But really he's just a sweetheart with a tough outer shell. He'll be better one day. I'm sure of it. Despite this, I lurrrve him. :)

Moving Right Along: Today I feel the need to blog just to mark some important happenings. Number one, my first bee sting. I got stung in the eyelid, by a bee today. It was funny....after all the pain and swelling went down of course. Tee hee.

Second, I wrote down what classes I'd like to take in the Second City training program. I want to take a total of 22 classes, but will settle for 14 if that's all income permits. I picked classes that are required for me to study in the Conservatory and also one's that I really think will shape my particular skill set and add on to it. I know I'll be able to take the 22, because I'm dedicated to making money and making moves. Which brings me to the next topic...

Making money! I've been reading about young women who took control of their finances and made things work for them. (The Smart Cookies' "Guide to Making More Dough") They created the life they wanted, by figuring out what money they needed, what things they needed, and what things really were important to them, versus those that were frivolous. It's been inspiring. I don't have an income currently, but I feel like preparing mentally, before the money comes, is a great way to get myself on track to my new life. I'm also becoming a Mary Kay consultant. It's a great way to make money and build business skills. My dad's girlfriend, my FSM (future stepmom), as I call her, says she might help me get my starter kit, which would be great. After all, it's a great investment (an investment in me...tee hee). I've also rented the book "Investing Online" for Dummies. I have plans to make money work for me and get the most out of life. I'm gonna think smart and make moves.

Anwho, I'm just reading and growing my brain until I can work and grow my pockets....yep!

19- She Pees In Trees

The Title: My goddaughter's friend pees in trees in the neighborhood, because apparently it's closer than her house. My advice to my goddaughter is to get better friends.

Moving Right Along: I have a void right now. It's not like one of those "I'm looking for something things", it's like a weird habit that I have is now missing. I'll explain. About four days a week, I dance around my room to music. Like really hardcore, loud music, dancing 'til I sweat. Not having my own place prevents me from doing that. If someone came in there house and saw me doing this, they'd be like "um...ok". And it's not something I thought I'd miss. But apparently I do. I look forward to being able to do this again...I wonder do other people do this....

18- Don't Sleep Too Long, You Have to Feed Me

The title: I'm watching my goddaughter today for an hour and she gave me the directions not to over sleep during my nap, as I must feed her when she comes in from playing. Well played Kayla, I'm up and you can enjoy your pizza lunchable.

Moving Right Along: I have no sense of time or days, since I don't have any real obligations. My birthday is next week and I swear I didn't even realize it until I looked at a calendar today. I'm trying to get a few hours working for my uncle at his detailing shop. I tried to pick up some babysitting hours, but with no luck. So I'm not making any income, but I was blessed with the money to fix my car, by my mom and a little extra to cover my cellphone bill. I'm getting the things I need and ignoring things that aren't necessary right now. It's important to show God that you're thankful for what you have. And for the non-religious, it's still important to realize you're thankful, because there might be a day when you don't have these things that you currently have. Being happy now is preparing me to be happy in any situation.

But I know some great things are going to happen. It's important to speak into existence the positive things you want to see. I honestly believe I'm going to have my ideal current life in the near future. I'll have my own place, starting at a great job. I know the apartment. It's a studio apartment with a bay window and wooden floors. I already have the furniture ideas in my mind. I'll start with the futon, but after saving up, I'll get a lofted bed bolted to the ceiling like a tree house. I'll be working at a job that affords me the opportunity to pay for my comedy classes, pay on student loans and learn about non-profits. I'll find a new church and become active and I'll finally straighten out my cat's ill-tempered behavior. These are the things I want. I've spoken into the world, planted that first seed, and now I'll watch it grow....******************************************************************

17- My AC Pump/ Don't Waste Your Time on A Bad Friend

The Title: Nothing clever today, just a bummed AC pump in my car, leaving me a little stranded.

Moving Right Along: I came out to Lansing for women's day at my church. I was so happy to see my church family. VOPDM is one place I really feel like I belong. It's a great community and I learn something new everytime I attend.

On my way there, however, my car started making this awful smell that I just knew was a big problem. In addition to this, I heard a scrapping sound that had actually been going on for a few days. After church I went to my "friend's" house, since I don't live out here and I wanted to see him. Well, my mechanic came out, told me it was a pricy repair, but since I'm unemployed and he's a good hearted person, he knocked 60 dollars off the price. I was elated. He told me he'd get the part first thing in the morning and I should be on my way by the afternoon.

So, I helped my "friend" study for his final, set for the next day. I made flashcards for him and went over terms for a bit, before we went to the movies. We had a great day.

The next didn't go as planned. My mechanic didn't go get the part until close to 4PM. Then the part was the wrong size. He then went back, and as I type it is 5:54 and I'm still in Lansing. Well, I assume it'll take a while to get this fixed and asked my "friend" if I could stay another night, because I can't see well in the dark. It's actually anxiety producing for me to drive on the freeway at night. He knows this, lots of people know this about me.

He seemed "aggrevated". He says "I had plans on going out tonight". Well, tonight is a Monday, but who knows, maybe he does have great plans. I'm hurt, but first, I think you need to know why.

This friend is an -ex.
This friend lives in a 4 bedroom house.
This friend doesn't work, or NEED for anything.
I've always been there for this "friend".
Helped this friend with homework.
Taught this friend to edit and shoot things, because he studies the same things as me.
Included this friend on shoots, even though he was more a hindrance than a help, simply because he wanted to gain more experience.
Encouraged this friend to get an internship.
Supported this friend's dreams.
Encouraged this friend to get an associates degree.
Cooked for this friend.
Taught this friend how to cook.
Went to every event this friend's other friends or family threw, even when I didn't want to.
Defended this friend, until I couldn't take it anymore and sought to never speak to this friend again.
Forgave this friend.
And got hurt by this friend, yet again.

What has this "friend" done for me?
Told me I couldn't stay at his house when I was trying to work and save money to move away.
Told me he regrets dating me.
Stole the credit for a video we shot together.
Told me I couldn't stay with him after my lease was up, so I could work and save money.
Wouldn't come to my graduation party, though he knew weeks in advance and was personally invited by my grandmother.
Rubbed it in my face that he had to help me move my stuff back to Detroit and that I could've never done it without him.
And finally, wouldn't let me stay ONE night, knowing I can't drive in the dark and that I need this repair to get home.

This may be petty. But it hurts that I give to this friend and he takes, but doesn't know how to give back. He knows my dreams and ambitions, but doesn't care to help me with them, like I do his.

16- Whose Kid Is That?

The Title: I often times wonder who is the parent to random kids at get-togethers. Especially, if the kid is misbehaving. I have been around a lot of kids over the last two days and there is always and will always be random unsupervised kids. In fact, I can hear kids outside my house right now and it's 11:21! Go yo butt to bed.

Moving Right Along: Two major things right now. I've been talking about being happy everyday of my life and how I think it's completely possible. Well, another thing I'd like to focus on is "Living in the Now" which is called "Mindfulness". It takes practice. You actually have to try to keep your mind focused on just this day. Today. From what I read it means doing things without being so focused on the outcome. Getting rid of your expectations creates less stress. I would love less stress. In fact, right now in my life (being temporarily jobless, school-less, pretty much having no true obligations) I should be so stress-free. But the absence of the daily activities I usually have was stressing me out. So let's analyze this:

When I had a job and was going to school, I was stressed.
When I had a job and was not going to school, slightly less stress.
No job, no school= stressed?

That makes no sense. So in order to enjoy this small window of freedom, I have to live in the now. Yes, I do have to be frugal currently, but enjoying your day doesn't require money. Being happy doesn't require money. I think we'd be shocked if we wrote out how much money we actually NEED to survive. But then again, I currently live in other people's houses... Despite this, I'm going to practice mindfulness and see the awesome results of having a more fulfilled life.

The other thing interesting right now is, I did my first stand-up set at my bestfriend's family party. It wasn't terrible, in fact for me and what I'd worried, it was quite decent. I got a few laughs and I wasn't too terrified. The only other time I did stand-up was when I was auditioning for a stand-up contest and that went poorly. I felt like I was rushing through and wasn't being myself. Now that I have a better understanding of myself, it's easier. It's like I know my voice now. Ya dig? Anywho, I'm not sure if stand-up is something I'll actively pursue, because I'm more of an improviser and writer. I like having other people with me on stage, it's fun and supportive. I did like being alone in some ways though, because I got to see what gets a laugh and there were no distractions. Both art forms are great. Yabba Dabba Doo.

15- Oatmeal For Two

The Title: This morning my goddaughter and I ate oatmeal for breakfast. We pretended we were in a restaurant. The restaurant is called "Oatmeal for Two", but it only serves oatmeal for breakfast. So I'm guessing the restaurant name changes throughout the day.

Moving Right Along: Earlier I felt kinda down. There was no reason that I could pinpoint. I tried to blame the weather, but I'm trying this new thing where I don't blame anything on exterior happenings, but look inside myself. The weather being dreary should not have control over my mood. If you think about it, that's kinda stupid.... Why let that hold your happiness, it's just clouds and rain. So I researched how to be happy everyday. It's relatively simple, but I can see how much practice it will take to change old ways.

1. Smile, just make it a habit.
2. Be conscious of your thoughts. Are they negative? Change them. Think about things you like, listen to your favorite song, youtube some funny stuff.
3. Stay away from negative people. This one is hard, because sometimes it requires not answering your phone, blocking off some people, or getting some new friends. 
4. Focus on your haves instead of your have-nots and be thankful.
5. Be slow to anger. And quick to listen and understand. Don't let people irritate you to point of it effecting your happiness. 

I gathered this list from 

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Be-Happy-Everyday---Simple-Ways-to-Help-You-Stay-Happy-Always&id=2737342

and edited it into something I believe can fit my life.

I'm challenging myself to be happy everyday. I truly believe you can make life a pleasant experience.

14- He Was Number One!

The Title: It's taken from the infamous inside joke that my goddaughter and bestfriends have been saying all day. I don't even know the joke, but whatever it is it cracks them up. That and this one: knock knock, who's there? Orange-banana. Yes, that's not how the joke goes at all, but try to tell that to a five year old.

Moving Right Along: I was so bummed out the other day, which rationally I can say makes no sense. I acknowledge that I have graduated and fulfilled many things that I was supposed to do, but I put so much pressure on myself to be at the next step, excelling and knocking down barriers. I think I was failing to see the enjoyment of being in the "now". I am staying at my grandma's house currently (which is my home, honestly). I get to relax everyday and spend time with my grandma. No work, no school, I should really be enjoying this. But all I could see is, "I don't know my next step". Well, in all this bummed out nature, I completely blocked myself off from my friends and didn't want to talk to anyone. Afterall, I was the kid who boo-hooed at a B- back in grade school, so how could I appear so "unprepared" after college? Well, messages of hope come from the most obscure places. One of my aunt's called me, my dad's sister, and I don't talk to her as much as I probably should. Originally, I missed the call and seeing her name on my phone, I thought something was wrong. Then, my phone went out of service, so I thought, "well, maybe it's not meant for us to talk". I'm very excited that I chose to call her back. She comforted me and helped me regain my positivity. She reaffirmed for me what I already know, and that's that if something is your destiny (and I believe that comedy writing is in fact mine), nothing can keep you away from it. It may be delayed for a moment and it may not go exactly right, but all in all, nothing can keep you away from it. Simply speak what you want into the universe.

Success is: living your life like you're already in the place you want to be, because you believe without a doubt, that you're going to get there. 

13- Build A Bear, Where Best Friends Are Made

The title: Build-a-Bear really is where best friends are made. I just got a teddy bear that kinda resembles me and we are awesome together.

Moving Right Along- Wait on the Lord. I hear this sooo much. I'm not a patient person. I have the worst patience in all of "Impatience Land", a city that doesn't exist, because the citizens couldn't wait on the paper work to go through. I'm waiting to hear back from this job. I did the proper "thank you letter" a week after the interview and once two weeks rolls around I will be calling to do a follow-up. I don't know why I'm fretting, really. I guess I just have an idea in my mind of how life is supposed to work and it doesn't. It never unfolds the way I think it will. Does this mean I should no longer have expectations? Maybe I should just set my expectations to a more realistic setting. Something like your imagination has one outcome, but welcome whatever outcome you get, because that's exactly how things should go anyway.

In other news, I've been reading this book "What To Do Until Love Finds You". It's a well-written book, I could do without the poems, but other than that, it's a great guide for Christian women looking to build a lasting Christ-based relationship with their potential mate. But.....

Yep, there's always buts with me, it's just the stage I'm in. I don't understand. The author, and yes, she's probably an amazing person, is in her 50's. She is still patiently waiting for her life partner. Did she ever want kids, I wonder. So many of the devout Christian women I know are single. I'm not looking to get married anytime soon. I like being young and free, etc. But I do want to know that when I get to that point, my beliefs won't leave me single at 60. I totally believe that God will introduce us to our soul mates, but then, there's the whole thing of how men have to be the pursuer and women aren't supposed to, well when I like a guy, I sit there in my cute jewelry and meticulously picked out top, but I don't know if he'll actually get what I'm trying to say. I'm not that kind of girl. I don't sit in the background thinking "pick me". And yet I meet another crossroad with Christianity. So he picks me...well did I pick him back? Do I even want him. Why can't I pick? I just don't get it.

I may not understand this for a while, but I plan to talk to my first lady about it. But really I shouldn't care, because I've got a lot of self work to do. I can't imagine dating anyone right now with all the self-construction going on inside of me.