39- Kick Fear in the Face!

I remember about four years ago, there was a long span of me just being afraid of everything. I would think things, but would never dare say them aloud for fear of judgement. I would want to try something new, but be scared that I would mess up, or embarrass myself. This fear ran pretty deep. I didn't even want to pursue the career that I always wanted, because I was too terrified. But luckily, I shook that fear. I wanted to blog about fear from both the spiritual side (for those who believe) and the non-spiritual side (for those who just wanna address it that way). Because nothing should ever have that much power over you, especially a silly emotion like fear.

Non-spiritual: If you invented tampons, but you were too shy to tell people about this product, because of embarrassment, you'd be pretty upset at how much money you missed out on. That's what fear creates, missed opportunities. The girl you never said 'hi' to is a date you missed out on that could've ended in a great friendship or a marriage. The job you never applied to because you didn't think you were "good enough" (fear of your own success), could've landed you a great career. So whenever you have that scared feeling, just do it anyway.

 Seriously, I do crazy stuff all the time, not because I'm a nut case (which is still questionable), but because I don't want to ever look back and say, "ah, I didn't even try". And at first these things rendered a lot of embarrassment. This is when I had to change the way I felt about embarrassment. No one can embarrass you if you don't allow them to. You have all the power, because it's all in your reaction. For instance, in the past if someone told me my feet were ashy I'd hide them in shame and count down the minutes 'til I could get home and throw on some lotion. But now, I just laugh and say what literally happened "Oh, I guess I forgot to grease my feet".

Yes, there are times when people are trying to embarrass you. They might even try to embarrass you in front of a crowd. I take the "Saying What I'm Thinking/ I Know What You're Doing" approach. My grandma's professor always makes people feel stupid if they have to ask a question or miss something she says. My grandma asked her a question and her professor replies in a loud voice, "I just said that, do you want me to write it on the board again?". Of course my grandma was embarrassed, that was the teacher's goal. I suggested to my grandma the approach I stated above. I would literally say "Are you trying to embarrass me? That wasn't very nice". It puts in the air that you know what they're trying, but they don't have the power over your emotions. It took me years to figure this out, as I was often teased as a child. (boo hoo. lol)

Spiritual: Fear is an attack on your talents and gifts from God. When you feel paralyzed by fear, it is literally the enemy holding you back, decreasing the happiness in your life. When I thought I'd never get on stage again, I was so unhappy. I felt a lump in my throat whenever I saw a play, because I knew that there was my passion in front of my face, but I couldn't do it. I was weakened by my fear. It started to take over. But now I am strong, and being on stage is the career path I've chosen. My assumption? The Devil knows I can excel and if he didn't try to stomp on me, I would succeed and give God the glory and that's not what he wants at all. For people that believe in God and His power, there is no such thing as fear. How can you have fear when you are backed by the most powerful being ever? So attack everything boldly and with God's help.

Why am I writing this article?

In college I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. This was a relief and a challenge all in one. It was a relief, because I finally understood why I was afraid of everything! I felt like I literally couldn't do a lot of social activities or everyday things. I was afraid I'd be embarrassed or die because of some unknown happening. But once I knew what was wrong with me, I knew I could overcome it. Doctors say you cannot cure anxiety disorders, only manage them. And it's true, there are still times when I'm just too scared to do something, but the difference between me then and now is I do it anyway. I know that things get easier with time.

So to randomly quote Incubus don't "let the fear take the wheel and steer". You control fear, not the other way around. Now go for it!

38-God's Will in God's Time. Cinnamelts!

The title: Cinnamelts are delicious. They are probably a ton of calories. Terribly sweet and a McDonald's delicacy. I ate one today. Boom!

Moving Right Along: God's will. It's something I struggled with for a long time, but now I see how easy it is to follow God's will. It requires a little letting go. I wasn't willing to do this at first. And even when I thought I'd let go, I still always had a pinky finger wrapped around some aspect of my life. For a long time God was telling me to stand still. It was hard to do nothing, but at some point I was stuck in a position where I didn't know what to do anyway, so I might as well obey.

Now, about three months after me grappling back and forth about what to do next in my life, I have direction and it's special, because it's God-guided direction. My best friend got me a job at Olive Garden. I'm pretty excited about it. I asked God for a job. One that wasn't too serious, as to deviate me from my true career wish, but one where I could also meet new people and gain new skills. This is what God chose for me. He chose something He knew I'd like. And that is awesome.

Then, to add a cherry on top of the sundae, I found a place where I can study improv. My whole original reason for wanting to go to Chicago was to study improv. Even though I still want to live in Chicago, I am perfectly fine with staying here, studying, and working until I receive my next instructions. And there is a reason to everything. I can assume there's a lot of growing left for me to do.

Right now I am just fortunate, because I've reconnected with friends. True Friends. When I was Lansing, I remember having days where I felt awfully lonely. I felt like I had no one who understood me (and I also had some naysayers). Through getting closer to God, I don't feel that loneliness anymore. And by moving back home and reconnecting with people I have always been able to count on, I'm equally satisfied. My cat is super happy too. He's never had this much attention and love in his whole life. Is that sad? Oh no, I'm a terrible pet parent!

So what's next? I often question this, because God hasn't said anything huge to me lately. Either that or I just can't hear Him at this moment. I had a huge section of my life that I don't know how to define. I guess it was the "Close-i-fication of God and I". It's not over though. We never stop working with God to become better people and win more souls. I guess now, I should find a new church home, since I'm staying here. Woot. woot.

37: My Love

My love is too determined to be thrown back in my face.
My steps too deliberate,
Strong-willed,
Purposeful.
My love is too complicated to understand.
Chapters long,
Stanzas high,
Volumes not yet completed.

My love might reveal it's weaknesses,
Then dare you to laugh at it,
Knowing you are even weaker than you appear.
Because my love is rude,
And unapologetic about the fact.

No one gets there.
Only standing around in the wade pool.
No one touches it.

And because my love knows it's worth,
It doesn't fret or bat an eye.
It waits,
Because one day, my love will consume another love.

-inspired by "For Colored Girls"

36- What? I Thought I Lived In America.

  When I was little I was terrified of jail, because of the small toilet that sits in the middle of the room where everyone can see you use the bathroom. My mother assured me, "don't worry about it, just obey the laws and you'll never go to jail". So I lived my life as an upright American citizen sure that I lived in a country that protected the good and taught the evil right from wrong.

  Yesterday, around 5 o'clock I heard on the news that they were still moving along with the execution on Troy Davis. I felt sick. I stayed away from the TV for the rest of the night. On facebook, someone posted that they Supreme Court would be making a decision, I felt a bit of relief. But finally at midnight as I lie in bed, I got an email to my phone from Change.org that confirmed it. Troy Davis had been killed. I'm pretty sure the whole country was taking a moment of silence. If not physically, they definitely were mentally.

  For a man, I never met, I felt deeply saddened. And for the country I've always had such pride about, I felt equally as sad. If we are for the people, by the people, why was it when so many of us lifted our voices and spoke out, it fell on deaf ears. It's as if the powers that be felt so powerful, they forgot who their bosses really are, US. The citizens.

 So what do I tell my future children? Certainly I can't tell them what my mother told me. Maybe I'll have to add, "never be in the wrong place at the wrong time", or "be extra careful, sweetie, you're a person of color". And if I were to have a little boy, well he just better stay in the house, because the odds are already against him. I hope that as Americans we can work to change the system now, before any other families have to suffer.

35- Something Relevant

The title: I just wanna write about something that's relevant to my life right now and couldn't think of a fancy title today. Boo-yah, mediocre!

Moving Right Along: I stopped writing in my blog, because I started addressing some things that were so out there and personal, there was no need to share. But then last night I came across a new revelation and I felt, "whoa, what if others are pondering this, I need to share". So here's an exert from my nighttime journal I keep for myself:

Philippians 3- The author speaks of how he once thought he had it all understood. He obeyed the laws, he was a Pharisee, he was born in Israel, he thought he knew everything about being with God. He didn’t really understand it though. And he pushes forward toward the goal of being with God in heaven as he has called us. He acknowledges He’s not perfect, but he is a long ways from where he was and constantly seeking God’s face.

·      I thought I understood too. If I went to church and read my bible, and prayed, and didn’t have sex, and didn’t curse, and didn’t drink too much, I would go to heaven. But that was just a bunch of rules. Yes, I need to do or not do these things, as they are what keep you from sinning and destroying your life, but more importantly God is who helps me keep my life in order. You [God] spare me, you teach, and guide me. Keeping rules aren’t what it’s all about. It’s about the personal relationship and wanting to be with You in heaven. And constantly seeking you. It’s a lifestyle. I can’t just seek you in times of need. I need your counsel always. I kept thinking I’d learned enough to just move on past this [after college] stand still, but now I’ve learned enough to know, that this stand still is for my good and no matter what I learn there’s always so much more learning to do.

So that's what I got from my reading. One more thing I learned was about the Blessings of Abraham that everyone always sings about. Here's what I gathered:

·      Blessings of Abraham- A few weeks ago, I was understanding the blessings of Abraham to mean that since we follow You [God], we can have what we want. Abraham did get a son [the one earthly thing he wanted], but it took many years and he got other more important things. I think the blessings of Abraham was actually the relationship He had with you. The ability to have such a close walk with you, because He obeyed you. And if I am obedient I too can have that same walk with you, which is a blessing. 

So, yeah, these things are a bit personal for me, but they can also be helpful to others who may be questioning or whose faith is growing tired. I hope this helps someone.

34- You Ain't Nothing But Cheese Without The Corners

The title: You ain't nothing, but cheese without the corners, you ain't never gone be a slice. It comes from the Kevin Hart stand-up. It's really funny to me.

Moving Right Along: I had a great day today. Enjoyed church. Dinner was awesome. Worked out. I ate a salad today. I ate a lot of salad. Not because I feel fat, but because it was delicious! Anywho, I read an article today about FAITH. I'm putting it in all caps, because I felt like it. It pretty much summarized that "God tells you to do something and then you do that thing out of faith". It states that we as humans often get it wrong and go "We want something so we use our faith that God will give it to us". And then I analyzed how I've done that. I said "God I wanna study at Second City so I'm gonna move to Chicago can you help with that", and nothing has happened. In fact He's made it so difficult for me to do this, I'm almost starting to think it's not in His will for my life (or at least not at this time). And you know what? I don't care. I'm not happy, but I don't care either. I mean, God told me to be still. And I don't wanna be still, but I'm obeying. I also learned the other day that it's when you give up something you love, it's when God can bless you. This didn't make sense to me. But very little does right now. In the words of Steve Urkel "I'm wearin' you dowwwn" is essentially what God is doing to me. So here God, take my 30 Rock, SNL, and Upright Citizens Brigade time. I'm officially not watching any of those for two weeks. "Well, what will you watch?" The paint dry! First I gotta paint a dang wall.
     At first I had an extreme thought. I thought, what if God doesn't want me to do comedy. But then my life didn't make any sense. I can't even imagine having a family if I wasn't doing comedy. (That probably makes very little sense to others) But if I didn't have the career I wanted, I think I'd be too zombie-ish to date, so I'd never get married, thus leaving me childless. I can't even think of what other job I'd get! In fact, I think I'd just live at home for a really really long time if I didn't do comedy. Doing comedy is what motivates me to do anything really. All the shitty jobs I've had I always motivated myself to get outta bed by telling myself "You gotta do what you gotta do, to get where you wanna get", when customers pissed me off, I chanted this mantra in my head. When I was 9-years-old, I had a hit TV show in my head. Whenever I was bored, I'd think about it. It was hilarious (in a kid kinda way). So no, I wouldn't be able to function. And I'm really not good at other things. The only other non-manual labor job I'd be sorta good at is a secretary. But I mean, what?! I'd hang myself by age 35. So no, I think God totally wants me to do comedy. I just don't know what His plan is. And I'm so, "AHHHH" about the whole thing right now. So since I won't be watching any comedy, I will be working on my screenplay. Who knows, I might finish it. Because I'm an addict. If I don't have some kind of comedy in my life, I might become a republican. And that's no good for anyone!

33-You Let That Cat Eat Anything

The title: My lil uncle said this about me letting my grandma put gravy in Bloom's dry food. There really isn't anything wrong with that, it just added a lil flavor, he really liked it. At least I don't give him McDonald's anymore. He was in McNugget heaven at one point.

Moving Right Along: I have had the craziest emotional ride over the past two days. I was so down and discouraged yesterday, I started asking God some crazy questions, respectfully of course. I read an article about how we pretty much can't control our lives (partially true) so we might as well just trust God and take it all in stride. It seemed to be saying, life is full of suffering, and you can't have anything you want so get over it.

Okay, I totally understand that when you invite God to guide you, your life in no longer your own, but I don't believe God would want you to not have any hopes and dreams while on this earth. Yes, my ultimate goal ought to be to live a good Christ-driven life to one day be in heaven, but what about other goals. I'm still finding an answer to this, but I do understand that God will give you your hearts desires if they are not corrupt. It doesn't necessarily happen the way we may want it to or the way we expect it to, but He didn't give us these dreams and ambitions if He didn't want us to do something with them. (i.e, why would you feel soooo driven to be a doctor, teacher, or comedian if it wasn't instilled in you from God?)

I was a little angry with God, something I try never to be, but sometimes when you don't understand how He's working things in your life, it can really get to you, ya dig? So I went to sleep last night, angry, refusing to read my bible. I had this crazy dream. It was me and three other people. We were at the bottom of a rocket, where the actual fire comes out of the space shuttle. We weren't positioned where we could actually get burned, we were in a compartment that would feel the heat. As the shuttle started taking off we kept trying to jump so our feet wouldn't touch the hot floor, but every time we landed, we'd feel that horrible burning. We were all screaming. And of course I woke up.

What I gathered from that dream was, "You don't wanna go to hell, it's hot there and you can't escape the heat". That revelation scared me, but I told God, "I don't want to follow you out of fear, I want to follow you out of love".  With that, I continued on to be in depressed day #2. I tried to read my bible using my bible phone app, but nothing seemed to work. So I lied down to take yet another nap and I prayed that God would help me stop feeling like this. This is when God showed me His love. I woke up a different person. I acknowledged my blessings and saw something very particular in what He has taught me this week, which is....

I've always wanted to help people and be a philanthropist, but I always wanted to do it my way. Right now I'm picking up my cousins from school everyday, which is a task, 35 minutes there, 15 to their house, and then another 30 back home. I tried not to show it, but I was not pleased with this task. Mostly because it takes so long and the traffic is so heavy at that time. I was getting stress headaches. But when I was woke up from my nap, I realized God was giving me a chance to help people. It wasn't in the grand, save a starving country way, but it was helping family. And if I couldn't learn to help my own family and do it cheerfully, then I would never be able to help strangers. This life is about baby-steps.

32- My Son Plays In The Oven

The title: I watched Kevin Hart's second hour long special and he has a joke talking about his toddler getting in the oven. It was hilarious. He threatens the boy he'll turn it on and the kid says "Hot....hot" and shakes his head. He is lucky to have funny kids to get all this material from.

Moving Right Along: I should always look forward, but it's also beneficial to never forget what was ten paces behind me. Ten paces ago may have been hurtful, but it may have also had some joy in it too. I'm back at home at my granny's house and I realized what was missing before. Why I was so bummed out the last time I was here. My little uncle, Joseph*, wasn't here. Now that we're all here, it feels like home. I always want to move forward and forget about the past, but despite how painful some events were in the past, there were also some great people there. I love my family and if I would've just moved away, I wouldn't connect the feeling of actually missing them to my move. I'm not saying I want to be sad when I one day leave home, but I do want to remember that I have people that anchor me, both friends and family, that I can always call. My grandma remembers things I talked about when I was 15. I brought something up the other day and she says "Oh, yeah, I remember you being really upset about that in high school". I was shocked. I'm like, why would she store that in her memory, but it shows she was listening and she cares.

On another note, I think I'm finally beginning to understand faith. Like true, pray about it, set it and forget it, faith. I prayed about my mom the other day. I hadn't done it in a while, because somewhere in the back of my mind, I actually thought maybe some of my mom's life issues are too much. They can't be fixed. That is directly contradictory to my belief that God is almighty. So I said a prayer out of faith. Then yesterday I got some bad news about my mom, but I didn't worry. It wasn't even intentional. I didn't tell myself, "Don't worry". I just didn't feel the need to worry. I still believe God is going to help her and even if I can't see how, this bump in the road may be the actual catalyst to God helping her. He weaves these intricate plans that never seem to make sense to me, but they always lead somewhere wonderful. So I know my mom is on that journey.

*Ten points if you can guess Joseph's real name. 

31- Can I Get A Junior Cheeseburger?

The title: My best friend eats Wendy's, which is pretty lame. As bad a rep as McDonald's has gotten, let's face it, they still have the sweet tea and the better dessert menu. We went to McDonald's today and she tried to order and asked for a Junior Cheeseburger, which they don't sell. She caught herself and then asked for a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, finally she got it right- Double Cheeseburger. It was funny to watch. This all could've been prevented if she just READ the menu. LOL.

Moving Right Along: When I was 18 I proposed to myself. I thought I had a great relationship with myself, so it would work out. Little did I know my relationship with myself needed a lot of work. There would be several times that I would break my own heart. I tried it again when I was 20 and finally once again a few months ago at 22. I can proudly say that I now not only love myself, but treat myself in a way that reflects that love.

Some people think it's really weird to propose to yourself. My -ex hated that I wore that ring. I guess he thought others would think we were engaged, but the ring is in fact pretty cheap and on my right hand, not the left. Anyway, I realized I had to think of myself as being in a relationship, because when you think about it, you really are. You think to yourself, you battle pros and cons in your head, you have opinions of yourself. You can be proud of yourself or angry at yourself, just like you can any other person.

I like wearing my ring, because it reminds me of all the promises I've made for myself. All the goals I told myself I'd accomplish. I pretty much promise myself to always believe in myself and never abandon my true self. I say all this to invite people to have expectations of themselves. Have a clearly defined layout of what you have to do for yourself to provide yourself a good life. What crap would you be willing to take from yourself (and for that matter, others as well)?

Make a commitment to yourself.

30- See You At The Crossroads

The title: It's Bone Thugs n' Harmony...duh.

Moving Right Along:

I'm a piece of driftwood,
Dreaming of the coast.
Light,
Buoyant.
Hopeful.
I'm not particularly worried.
Though I'm curious about when I'll get there.