42- You're Hard to Think About

When I have a happy thought of you,
I quickly erase it.
Wipe it off with a thick towel woven out of anger.
You hurt me,
It's hard to say "I forgive you",
Though I know I should.
I don't understand you.
I feel like I never truly knew you.

I never believe in people being from different sides of the tracks.
We are not fiction,
We are flesh and blood.
You knew my story,
You touched my heart.
You knew my dreams,
You changed me,
At first for the good,
But then for the worst.

The pain I felt, I tried to laugh off.
It should be a joke.
You and I, we were a joke...
Right?
Had to be.
By mere appearance, we were laughable.
We were different.
But it didn't matter to me.
I focused on commonalities and fell into some illusion of love.

But I've learned that I fall too easily.
So now I have a heart that's stuck in some funhouse maze.
Running into mirrors,
Seeing itself.
Wanting revenge,
But knowing that's wrong.
Wanting to understand,
But knowing some things aren't understandable.
Mostly just wanting, to be able to forgive.

But how can you forgive someone that isn't sorry.
Someone who hurts and can't possibly fathom the power.
The power you had over my heart?
Too much power.
I lost you as a lover,
I detested you as a friend.
And now...you're hard to think about.
I don't want to think about you.
But I acknowledge in some ways I have to,
In order to heal a pain I've ignored and tried to bury.